Posts tagged ‘sex’

No fap

There is something I don’t get about this.

Why are you making this public??

Seriously?

Jacking off doesn’t take ANYTHING away from you. It doesn’t hamr you, or anyone else in your life. If your taste in porn is so disgusting that you feel ashamed, now that is another topic. If you’re into illegal shit, that is a REAL problem, but the overall majority of the airheads out there are doing NoFap for utter no reason.
Not fapping doesn’t give you superpowers, it doesn’t improve your stamina, or health. It is utter nonsense.

But! And this needs to be said, just like Veganism or Religion, if it makes you happy – good for you. BUT KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!

Holy fucking moses!
That these things need to be said!
How would you feel if I started to blog REGULARLY about being a ProFap-Carnivorian-Hardcoreatheist? If I came here every week and started to preach to you the benefit of waxing the surfboard at least twice a day, intermissioned with large amounts of meat and defying god in every religion on the planet?

Perhaps that’d get my view up? Controversy attracts people…hmmm….I gotta go, and rethink my blog.

Take care,
A.

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Love?

In the beginning man and woman met outside. While hunting. While foraging.

A clout over the head, drag her to the cave, bang the ever living daylight out of her until your doomseed spawns out of her. 
You know… 
Love.

Later men and women met in the social constructs beset on them by class. Arranged marriage, basically the same as in the beginning, without the clout. 
Later in time, they courted one another, talked, fell in love. Doomseed, yada yada yada.
You know…
Love.

In the mid to late 20th century that entire crap got too time consuming so the local classifieds popped up.
Men and women filled pages of the newspapers in small print, advertising oneself like some overripe fruit on a farmersmarket five minutes before they close for the long weekend. 
You know…
Love.

That was too time consuming too after a while, so some rabbi came up with speed dating. 
Your entire life, your achievements, hopes, dreams, aspirations, character, interests, and what not, distilled into a ten minute conversation with one another, and then go over the entire list – again.
You know…
Love.

Time is money, you don’t have an entire evening for this! 
Pour a condensed vision of that distilled “You” into an online profile and off you go!
You know…
Love.

But even that was inconvenient, since we didn’t have it on the go. So some shit like tinder, really was inevitable. Condensed distilled you, photo, swipe. 
You can do it on an elevator, riding the subway, taking a dump.
You know. 
Conven…err…”Love”…

And what did I read in a newspaper just the other day? 
THAT was too stressful for some New Yorkers! They OUTSOURCED their tinder-ing to someone else who is doing the swipe based fuck selection for them.
You know. 
Love?

It kinda reminds me of the entire Farmville crap. On Facebook, a place for the condensed distilled version of you that you choose to represent, you could play a game. Farmville. 
You know.
Fun.

That wasn’t good enough for people. So they HIRED others to play the game for them. On their Facebook. 
As them.
So some underpaid poor sods in a clickfarm somewhere in southeast Asia played as white middle class Facebook people, for some extra grain or geese. 
You know.
Fun?

This is in no way different. 
Something that should be deeply personal – fun and relaxation in one case, fun and romance in the other – something that is as convenient as fuck, something that can be done on the go, outsourced. 
“I have neither time not nerve for fun, relaxation, games, love, or procreation. Let someone else do it.”
You know.
“Life”.

If your life style (or “work-life-balance”) doesn’t allow for playing a fucking game, or the convenience based swipe partner selection, trust me, you won’t have time for your partner in the unlikely chance you ever even found one. Ultimately losing them again.
Which you probably wouldn’t even notice until they send you on mandatory vacation…
You know.
Shitty life.

Take care.
A.

BTH – ASMR…

Why is this even a thing?

These are people who do not know how to use a microphone: they’re breathing into one as if they wanted to either swallow, or make sweet sweet love to it.
That is NOT how you use a mic, dumbass.

I’m not one to deny others their kink, far from it, but you wankers want the “girlfriend experience” – without the “experience” part.
You see, afaik, some prostitutes offer “the girlfriend experience” (for extra of course), and then you get cuddling, kissing, sweet talk, and what not (I imagine). There you get an actual experience.
With this crap you get no experience.

If I were one to go on business trips around the globe, so when I lay my weary CEO head down to cry on a cushion stuffed with stacks of cash while I pleasure myself to sleep, my beloved trophy wife is not able to lull me through it on the phone thanks to timezones, I’d have her breathe into a mic for half an hour, nude, and then play that video back to me.
I am not.
These people are not near and dear to me.
On the polar opposite.
They are complete and utter fraking strangers!
Making all of this a little creepy…

I would almost understand this, if it were porn [porn-porn. Not this brain-porn crap that someone equated this bullshit to]:
A naked chick (or guy, what have you), giving an imaginary protagonist (the camera) a POV girlfriend experience.
With sweet talk, breathing into a microphone, sensual descriptive talk about what they ‘are doing’ with you, complete with ‘noise’.

But this is people breathe-talking in the most annoying fashion possible [not whispered, not spoken, but the dimwitted bastard offspring of the two, that’s too loud and pronounced to be soothing or comfortable, but too low and hushed to be easily intelligible], making noise too close to the microphone [if I for example were to crave the sound of a girl brushing her long long hair, I want to hear it like normal people hear it, not the way a mic taped to the back of the brush picks it up!], and saying the most ridiculously mundane crap ever [if you have no one in your life you can talk about bowel movements with, stop the ASMR, quit your busy job and get friends and/or a spouse, because that is what you NEED]!

Get outta here!

But note, after this election I understand everyone who needs to get relaxed in any way shape or form.

Life ain’t that hard, Escalate and Elevate

It is simple, both devices take you from one floor to another. And for both you don’t need a PhD in theoretical physics.

Look, it’s simple:
★ Escalators, are basically stairs that go up, or go down:
•stand on the right
•walk on the left
•don’t sit on the handrail and don’t be surprised to plummet to your death if you do
•tie your Shoelaces beforehand, or else they may get caught in the thing
•don’t “run” in the opposite direction staying stationary
•watch your step upon stepping on and off the thing
•no pram, bike, wheelchair, dog or unicorn on this

★Elevators, these cabins of death move vertically, not yet in the horizontal plane, or diagonally, it is bets to sing “Oh lord, what is I gon’ do?” upon entry, and keep these in mind:
•I can’t stress the importance of doors.
•press button of desired target floor
•don’t: fart, defecate, urinate, spit, litter, fuck, vomit…eat, drink…deal with or consume drugs, murder people or animals, make or play music, apply deodorant/perfume/cologne…or worst of all: converse.
•upon exit, don’t press (all) other floor buttons
•someone approaches the elevator, hold the door open, don’t close it on them (or let it happen)
•no silly creepypasta games. Ever.
•it is not funny to press the emergency button
•in case the elevator gets stuck, press the emergency button, and remain calm, take long breaths
•IN CASE OF FIRE THE SHAFT ACTS LIKE A CHIMNEY, so DON’T use it…
•if it has one, do not press the STOP button

Now that this is cleared up, we can take the stairs…
•don’t put flowers on them, buy a shelf you cheap frak
•don’t sit there like homeless people, get a couch you cum stain…

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard, public transportation

You know what would make the daily commute a real treat? Less of any…

Riding the bus, or anything else public transport, isn’t exactly complicated, it’s fairly easy.  But all the while people have trouble with it, so to make it all a little less shitty, a little less smelly, a lot less noisy and overal a little bit nicer, here it is, simply read and remember (or print out):

☆Beforehand: Take a shower, or use deodorant. But do not bathe in cologne/perfume! Do not apply any of this stuff at the public transport of choice
☆Beforehand: Brush your teeth, or get a strong gum. Do not use strawberry toothpaste, or brush your teeth in public transportation!
☆Food isn’t sold or served in the vehicles, so don’t eat there! You’re not a Hobbit.
★It’s not a restroom, so don’t shit, piss or, if possible, vomit here! And don’t change your tampon either!
☆This ain’t a watering hole, get drunk elsewhere.
☆Earphones yes, Speakers no. No one cares for your shitty taste in what you wrongly call “music”.
☆This ain’t a phone booth, if you get a call, tell them you’re busy, don’t call anyone. If everyone did it, the noise would be unbelievable.
☆This is not a Singles Bar, stop hitting on people!
☆Do. Not. Fuck. There! Seriously, does this need an explanation? (This includes dry humping.)
☆Old, pregnant, handicapped people with infants get your seat if you are NOT in any one of these categories.
Doors. Nuff said.
☆Don’t deal with or consume drugs in the public transport, or adjacent places.
☆Busses, Trains, etc. are not a stage for you aspiring ‘musicians’, they’re not the catwalk for all you pretend ‘models’ and they’re not a good photo op. Got it? Good.
☆Unless you need help (heart attack, etc.) or help (lost) or help (getting mugged/groped/etc.) DO NOT TALK TO STRANGERS
☆Throw garbage into litter bins, especially chewing gum! Don’t you get my butt stuck to the seat.
☆Don’t fight. This isn’t your territory, it isn’t contested. It belongs to the government/transportation company.
☆If you are with one or more friend/s keep your conversation at a low volume, if you’re deaf – learn sign language.
☆Old people, well into retirement, this one’s for you: During rush hour, stay wherever you are, but stay away from public transport. Same with women who have small children.
★Bicycles, don’t bring them here. Seriously, be a nuisance elsewhere, but don’t come here with your thing (soon!)
★Escalators and Elevators, holy crap, we really have to explain these too? Okay, soon…
☆Take your feet off the seats, take your bags of the seats. Or else some of hour fellow commuters might become hostile.
☆This ain’t your bed, so do not lie across two (or more) seats. Your options are: sitting and standing.
Or you can walk.

See? A concise list, easily committed to memory, a small print out.
Or, as I would call it “COMMON FRACKING SENSE”.

Take care, and
☆Get a friggin ticket before taking the ride. No bullshitting your way out of it!

A.

Life ain’t that hard: Vacationing

It really is simple:
1. Pack your shit (underwear, pants, shirt, socks, hygiene products)
2. Board a Car/Bus/Train/Boat/Plane and go to your destination.
3. Relax. Maybe have some fun.

Of course you need to pack accordingly, if you’re going someplace shittycold like “I’m going skiing in the swiss alps!” you need warm stuff. If you’re going someplace nice like the Caribbean, pack your beach attire.

Of course, basic decency rules have to be observed. For example, a beach holiday with binge drinking and lots of (teenage) sex, is, once you have crossed the 25 year old threshold, creepy, desperate, pitiful.
If you ask me, and that’s why you’re here, it is always pitiful and desperate, once older than 25 the creepy adjective just pops up out of nowhere along with one or two or three or four VDs.

A city trip across Europe is a neat thing, but I have to caution you, this is only for the pseudo [insert adjective here]. Yes. Only for pseudos. Of any kind.
If you are truly interested in culture, you spend WEEKS at one location at a time, and next year you come back to the next stop on your planned route. Going through five cities in two weeks, is a pseudo cultural excuse to get drunk and sleep around. Again, past a certain maturity age (~25), creepy, desperate, pitiful and pseudo.

If your destination includes anything that could even remotely be called an animator – kill yourself.
Do it in the travel agency’s office, splatter blood all over the place, or do it ISIS style.
Who ever came up with the idea for an animator (not the kind making animated films, butnthe kind that is supposed to animate YOU) should be dragged a hundred meters through broken glass on incandescent coal at five cm/hour.
Finally you have time away from schedules, and calls, and colleagues dropping in on you, a boss demanding shit, customers yanking your chain – just to have to some underpaid, overenthusiastic asshat tell you what to do to have some fun?
Sure, it is not (always) mandatory – neither is the chat with Susan from accounting – but it is annoying, and you are paying to have this shitstain there…
So…Kill yourself!

If you are going to a spa, bring one thing above all – a good book. Not war and peace, where after five chapters you feel as if you just came out of a coma, because you have no idea what happened in those fove chapters. A good book. Something you can read and dive into. Sure, the massages and whirlpool and sauna and pool are places you won’t need it per se, but there are long stretches where you’ll need it. Unless you want to catch up on sleep.

At the end, if you are an allergic – don’t go on vacations on farms. Unless you have plenty of antihistamines in your pockets.
Your body weight in antihistamines to be precise.
Which is what I will be doing.
I am on vacation next week, family vacation on a farm…any Darth Vader impersonations of mine might end up here 😉

Have fun, A.

Life ain’t that hard, stuff-free stuff

Short and simple this time.

-If you can’t process lactose, stay the frak away from milk. Leave milk alone, use soy juice or coconut juice, and don’t you dare call any of it “milk”.
-If you can’t handle gluten, don’t eat it, but don’t substract gluten from stuff.
-The same goes for low-carb! Don’t eat carbohydrates if you don’t wanna, but leave them where they belong.
-If you need to drive, don’t drink. If you order an alcohol free beer – you better get drunk instead.
-If you don’t want to ingest sugar, fracking don’t. Live with the health conscious choice you made and do not use other stuff for substitute.
-Same for vegans. Conscious choice, deal with it. But don’t play with your soypaste and build yourself a fake steak. You want a sausage, either have sex, or get a real one.
-You want coffee? Drink coffee. You don’t want caffeine? Don’t drink coffee. The end.

In even shorter form: Can’t, or don’t want to, handle it? Live with it.

Stop over-complicating things. Stop cluttering the world with your filthy useless garbage! Otherwise we will soon have joyless joy, sexfree sex and playfree playtime.
Life ain’t that hard, stop taking things out of stuff where they belong in.

Take care,
A.