Posts tagged ‘sexy’

Life ain’t that hard, Escalate and Elevate

It is simple, both devices take you from one floor to another. And for both you don’t need a PhD in theoretical physics.

Look, it’s simple:
★ Escalators, are basically stairs that go up, or go down:
•stand on the right
•walk on the left
•don’t sit on the handrail and don’t be surprised to plummet to your death if you do
•tie your Shoelaces beforehand, or else they may get caught in the thing
•don’t “run” in the opposite direction staying stationary
•watch your step upon stepping on and off the thing
•no pram, bike, wheelchair, dog or unicorn on this

★Elevators, these cabins of death move vertically, not yet in the horizontal plane, or diagonally, it is bets to sing “Oh lord, what is I gon’ do?” upon entry, and keep these in mind:
•I can’t stress the importance of doors.
•press button of desired target floor
•don’t: fart, defecate, urinate, spit, litter, fuck, vomit…eat, drink…deal with or consume drugs, murder people or animals, make or play music, apply deodorant/perfume/cologne…or worst of all: converse.
•upon exit, don’t press (all) other floor buttons
•someone approaches the elevator, hold the door open, don’t close it on them (or let it happen)
•no silly creepypasta games. Ever.
•it is not funny to press the emergency button
•in case the elevator gets stuck, press the emergency button, and remain calm, take long breaths
•IN CASE OF FIRE THE SHAFT ACTS LIKE A CHIMNEY, so DON’T use it…
•if it has one, do not press the STOP button

Now that this is cleared up, we can take the stairs…
•don’t put flowers on them, buy a shelf you cheap frak
•don’t sit there like homeless people, get a couch you cum stain…

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard: Vacationing

It really is simple:
1. Pack your shit (underwear, pants, shirt, socks, hygiene products)
2. Board a Car/Bus/Train/Boat/Plane and go to your destination.
3. Relax. Maybe have some fun.

Of course you need to pack accordingly, if you’re going someplace shittycold like “I’m going skiing in the swiss alps!” you need warm stuff. If you’re going someplace nice like the Caribbean, pack your beach attire.

Of course, basic decency rules have to be observed. For example, a beach holiday with binge drinking and lots of (teenage) sex, is, once you have crossed the 25 year old threshold, creepy, desperate, pitiful.
If you ask me, and that’s why you’re here, it is always pitiful and desperate, once older than 25 the creepy adjective just pops up out of nowhere along with one or two or three or four VDs.

A city trip across Europe is a neat thing, but I have to caution you, this is only for the pseudo [insert adjective here]. Yes. Only for pseudos. Of any kind.
If you are truly interested in culture, you spend WEEKS at one location at a time, and next year you come back to the next stop on your planned route. Going through five cities in two weeks, is a pseudo cultural excuse to get drunk and sleep around. Again, past a certain maturity age (~25), creepy, desperate, pitiful and pseudo.

If your destination includes anything that could even remotely be called an animator – kill yourself.
Do it in the travel agency’s office, splatter blood all over the place, or do it ISIS style.
Who ever came up with the idea for an animator (not the kind making animated films, butnthe kind that is supposed to animate YOU) should be dragged a hundred meters through broken glass on incandescent coal at five cm/hour.
Finally you have time away from schedules, and calls, and colleagues dropping in on you, a boss demanding shit, customers yanking your chain – just to have to some underpaid, overenthusiastic asshat tell you what to do to have some fun?
Sure, it is not (always) mandatory – neither is the chat with Susan from accounting – but it is annoying, and you are paying to have this shitstain there…
So…Kill yourself!

If you are going to a spa, bring one thing above all – a good book. Not war and peace, where after five chapters you feel as if you just came out of a coma, because you have no idea what happened in those fove chapters. A good book. Something you can read and dive into. Sure, the massages and whirlpool and sauna and pool are places you won’t need it per se, but there are long stretches where you’ll need it. Unless you want to catch up on sleep.

At the end, if you are an allergic – don’t go on vacations on farms. Unless you have plenty of antihistamines in your pockets.
Your body weight in antihistamines to be precise.
Which is what I will be doing.
I am on vacation next week, family vacation on a farm…any Darth Vader impersonations of mine might end up here 😉

Have fun, A.