Posts tagged ‘star wars’

Advertising, again

Advertisers the world over celebrate the fact that I’m not in power of a world wide government.

Why?

Because I would outlaw advertising.

But that isn’t what irked me to do today’s post.

It was a cross promotion I was bothered with on YouTube lately.

A Star Wars Solo and Car cross promotion.

First off, if your goated to see that good awful movie because of this, all hope for you is lost. All hope for you lineage is lost.

Secondly, if you’re prompted to purchase that car because the advertising was affiliated with Star Wars… then get into that car, start the engine, find a nice steel reinforced concrete wall, and drive into it at top speed.

I know, the advertising sluts are banking on the cliche nerds in their mid thirties to early forties, who had to move out of their parents basement and now need/want a car. But they fail to realize that THOSE Star Wars nerds, HATE the new movies.

All in all it is a sign of failure.

You buy that ticket, you lose (money and time).

You buy that car, you lose (money and dignity).

You made this advert, you lost (dignity, money, trust, customers, time)

Really, I hope that everyone involved in this gets some repugnant skin disease that mutilates their faces for eternity.

Take care, and stop advertising, really.

A.

A surprise egg!!!

Oh boy! I am letting out my inner child by buying this. I loved kinder surprise eggs as a kid. I’m a nerd. This will no doubt be a shitty toy, but it will still be epic!!!

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. The suspense is kiiiilling meeeee!!!!

Here we see tangible disappointment in the shape of a FUCKING ERASER!!!

If I were still a kid I’d be having a massive tantrum right now. Any child finding this inside their Star Wars surprise egg would be choking back tears of disappointment, broken dreams while munching on cheap chocolate. Maybe it skips well across the lake when tossed at the right angle and speed…

What is this supposed to be? Preparation for life? Cheap chocolate, suspense, disappointment. Not ONE parent will buy a second one of these. I won’t. I’m 35 and I even felt cheated and deeply disappointed. 

They should make Game of Thrones surprise eggs, containing the severed heads of the cast, with a small amount of fake blood in them for maximum gore and “fun”…

Whoever made this shit a reality should be forced to watch one thousand kids opening these fuckers. 

Take care, A.

Crappy Birthday in July

​24.99€ each and this can be YOURS!
I tried all three, albeit somewhat involuntarily at first.

Jedi and Empire are essentially the same smell, although Jedi is far less intense.

Imagine a sweet smell as if something was rotting, only far less unpleasant. Add some musky and bitter tones, and you have these two.
As for the only “female” stenchsmell in this menage a catastrophé, this is a smell that is (both descriptively and figuratively), as if cottoncandy and burned almonds, are wrapped around some stiff sausage that is already spoiled and smelling, but not yet rotten, before your nostrils are brutally, but lovingly, violated with it.

In all honesty, if ArmadilloAmidala really stank like this perfume, Anakin would’ve turned darkside in Episode 1, Luke and Leia would’ve never been conceived because Anakin would have murdered the shit out of everyone, especially Amidala.

So this is the perfect gift for Star Wars Geeks and Nerdettes to piss them off (and out of your life and future gift obligations), as well as for people who dislike, or outright hate, Star Wars, giving them another reason to hate the saga. This obnoxious stench.

Crappy Birthday, take care,
A.

PS: There is Jedi and Empire for men, but only Amidala for women. Why?

NEWS: Friday 15th Jan 2016 (incl. RoF)

I have struggled to write a new post for today.

Several reasons as to why, coincidentally, today’s the 15th. So it’s already covered by the birthday post. Then again, I don’t want the birthday posts to interfere with the normal operations on this blog. Added Bonus, FTW.

Another reason was that I have a lot of stuff going on ATM. And the last reason is, that I feel the need to justify myself. At least a little bit.

You see, there was a lot of stuff going in the last few months – in the world, I mean. You might have heard of these things going down.

Terrorist attacks, lunatic people, refugee crisis, sexual herassment and mass groping (up to mass rape).
I have remained silent on my blog. Invoking the appearance as if these posts had been made in advance.

Which is true.

The other thing is, I don’t want the tragedies of the real world derail me. Yes, it’s an ego thing. Partially.

I am an easily enraged person, a (little) choleric.
So whenever saomething injust happens I get angry. And as many of you may or may not know, if you write shit in an angry mood, it’s just that. Shit.

If I try to tone down my rage fueled hatred, it ends up being empty. If I let the hate flow through me, the texts seem like tempertantrums thrown by Kylo ren as he trashes a room. (yes, I’ve seen the movie! It was AWESOME!)

In addition: I refuse to let Terror win.
Terrorists do shit, we grind to a halt and write about it. Our empathy, our outrage, our hatred.
Derailing our plans, our ideas, and changing our world.
They win. We lose.
Unless they shoot me down, I will go on as before. That way, we win.

Anyway.

This is the reason why I am not going to comment on all this crap that is going on in the world. Terrorist attacks, refugee crisis, (armed?) militias  forming in my country (that has happened only once in history before, and shortly after we got annexed by Hitler Germany…go think about that for a moment or two!), sexual assaults on new years eve, “arm length distance” reactions to that by the mayor of that city…no. I will not comment on it.
Maybe later.
Probably never.

Again, they win. We lose.

That is also the reason why I hadn’t commented on Lemmy’s death, or David Bowie’s death, and why I won’t comment on Alan Rickman’s death.

Regarding Rings of Fate: I still need to tweak a few things here and there, get the (one) graphic right, and decide on a proper schedule. I hope to have it up and available by end of the month, but no promises….BTW: My connection to Facebook somehow won’t function properly… O.o

Until next time, stay safe, take care,
A.

Crappy Birthday in November

Barf!

We’re in the money, come on my honey! Let’s lend it, spend it, send it rolling around!

May next month be with you!

 

In honor of next month’s release of Episode 7 let me present this desperate cash grab. Star Wars characters as HotWheels cars.

Yes, this is a real product, I took the photo myself.

In all seriousness, I’d rather get that sweet car on the right for 1,69 Euro, than the poor adaptions of Star Wars characters as HotWheels cars, with a Han Solo on the packaging that looks nothing like Han Solo in any time period. Not even a poorly adapted CGI Han looks this far off.

It baffles me why these even exist! NOTHING in Star Wars has wheels! NOTHING! Gears, yes (the Jawas), wheels? Nope. We ASSUME R2D2 is moving on wheels, but do we see them?
NOPE!

If you have a Star Wars Fan in your (extend) circle of friends, and want to piss him/her off to no extent, here you go. Give them HotWheels cars, that are supposed to be Star Wars Characters.

Crappy Birthday,
A.

Back to the Future II (Welcome Marty!)

This is another irregular post, because today is the day.

Oct 21 2015

All too often people say “Where’s our Hoverboard?” or the flying cars. See, BttFII was a scifi movie, and all too often their predictions about the future are plain wrong.
Or we use the wrong “filter”.

SciFi is not always upfront with their messages, and their warnings. You just have to use the right filter, I think BttFII was spot on.

•Take the self lacing shoes – a message of not only convenience, but a warning of lazyness. There are motorized shoppingcarts. Okay? We don’t need selflacing shoes, we have people so fat and lazy they need a motorized shopping cart! Amazon delivery drones – is anybody home????

•”Jaws 19″ – well, do I even HAVE to rant about “Movies these days are only sequels/prequels/retellings/reimagenings/alternate universe/backstory/adaptations from books/shortstories/comics/manga/anime/cartoons/urban legends….” No? Good. Jaws 19 is a metaphor for this development. We may not have 19 sequels to Jaws, but it sure feels like it. Star Wars 7, with spin offs in planing and production, the entire Marvel crap, the n-th incarnation of Batman, Superman Spiderman and X-Men, and so fracking on.
Jaws 19, folks. Jaws 19! (Let us not touch 3D and its shittines)

•A fax machine in every corner of the house – a screen in every corner/pocket connected to the net. I have a smartphone, a tablet, a laptop, a netbook, my wife has a smartphone, a tablet, a notebook and we have a huge ass TV. People are online ALL DAMN DAY! You may not get fired through your smartphone, but because of actions taken on it (facebook post dissing your boss, and BAM you’re fired. f.e.)

•Tech obsession with multiple TV Channels and personal gadgets as well as handsfree gaming – uuuhm…see above’s paragraph for details…

•DeHydrated Pizza – It is not so much the Pizza in and of itself that is spot on, but our addiction to easy access, pre-made junk food. Microwave Popcorn and other such foods, instant ramen, bread you bake for ten minutes and you have a loaf of bread? Are you kidding? BttFII was dead on.

Of course there was other stuff they were right about, and some they were wrong about. But these are the things that people rant about the most.
So, yeah, welcome Marty, please turn things right in the past.

Good luck, and as always,
Take care,
A.

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 3

Finally the last one. I can’t wait to get this over with.

1. General LeeDookoo’s attack on the capitol is in full swing months after Episode 2. Amidala is on Naboo heavy preggers. Obi Wan and Anakin are in the defense of Coruscant, the robo lizzard General Grievous (see RedLetterMedia for additional baddies like Admiral Bone-to-Pick) is completely eliminated from the story. COMPLETELY!

2. Chacnellor Palpatine is abducted by General Dookoo (Darth R.E.Lee), the two (Obi Wan & Anakin) get him back. Remember, there is NO R2D2 or 3CPO here. Good? Perfect! Obi Wan is slowly suspecting there is something going on / wrong with Anakin, as he seems less reserved like a Jedi, but more aggressive like a Sith (can we call them “Dark Jedi” again? Sith sounds like a Hobo’s soiled pants after drinking too much Wine from a carton…).
General Darth Lee is murdered in cold blood by Anakin, further deepning the doubts that Obi Wan has in his apprentice.

3. After the separatists/confederates retreat from GhettysburgCoruscant, a decisive battle that IS determining the war (just like in the civil war at Ghettysburg), we are informed that Palpatine should have signed a treaty that makes the separation from the republic legal. (So the entire abduction finally makes sense!)

4. By now Palpatine has become interested in the irritated, angry young Jedi Anakin, and further deepens the damage to his training, drawing hi deeper into the Dark Jedi territory. Sooner or later Anakin becomes evil, which causes Amidala to end their relationship, filing for divorce, without telling him of her pregnancy. This makes him even more angry. BUT WE NEVER SEE THESE TWO ON THE SCREEN TOGETHER!

5. Darth Vader! Yes, finally we’re there. Palpatine sends him to deal with General Lee’s Dookoo’s successor on Mustafar (that’s racist by the way), who is staging & manufacturing a new wave of battle droids there. While offing these and the successor (a noname, who is not a dark jedi) Obi Wan and Yoda learn of the fate of their fellow Jedi. Palpatine has ordered his agents in the command ranks of the clone to wipe the JEdi out. Since the clones are obedient, they just do what they’re told without hesitation. Obi Wand Yoda are the sole survivors.

6. There is no endfight between Obi Wan and Anakin/Vader OR Yoda versus Palpatine.  His condition is due to the noname successor to Dookoo setting off a selfdestruct on Mustafar. Palpatine rushed to his aid, while Yoda hides on Dagobah, and Obi Wan goes with Senator Organa to look for Amidala, who dies in childbirth. Now the two (Yoda is already in hiding) decide to separate the twins, Leia on Alderaan as his adoptive daughter and Luke with the Lars’s on Tatooine, where Ben Kenobi also goes into hiding.

7. Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine watch a Death Star in construction imploding under its own weight, explaining why they’re taking so long to build an operational one until Episode 4.

There could be an outro crawler explaining that the Clone armies slowly died because of the advanced aging they had to under go, and drafts were pulling able bodied men into service. If you want to keep the “special edition” original trilogy, make Coruscant look a little run down. Buildings in neglect as the materials to build the fleet and the death stars are no longer available for maintaining stupid looking buildings…oh and make them dirty. And get “old” Anakin back in Episode 6.

So. I fixed the prequels. Somewhat. It could be done better, but this is a quickly drawn up draft for the real geniuses in Hollywood to work with.
Fix the mistake George did. While we’re at it, Paramount, send the dude who thought a CGI Enterprise in Star Trek TOS would be a good idea to the same island we need to ditch George on.
Thanks.

May the force be with you!
A.

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 2

Remember the second episode? It was more of an intoxicating stinker of a cinematic turd than the shite that grounded the BA flight to Dubai back in March 2015.

Fix it.

1. After the corrected Episode 1 we follow up at Coruscant, the midair collision traffic has wound down a little, as more and more system want to seprate from the republic (remember the Civil War reference? Good. Keep that in mind!). Count Dookoo (which sounds like some took a dump “I made a Count Dookoo in my diaper!” – so rename him, Disney, please!) is presented as a baddie from the start, as he is a General (equal to General Lee in the Civil War. Keep that shit in mind, people). We are presented with the fact that the republic has little to offer against the separatists, so drafts are going to happen. Occassionally Jedi are drafted in, and eventually the council agrees to join the war effort in order to restore peace.

2. Now the Clones march in. In order to keep the economy up and running they need the people NOT in the war, so the senate votes for the formation of a clone army, we can basically keep the majority of the clone plot. BUT the senate is informed about their shady background, and thus NON clone men/women are leading the troops. (influenced, infilitrated or something by the baddies, so the obedient clones later can rebel against the Jedi)

3. Love. Anakin and Amidala had kept tabs on each other, kept in contact – they’re friends, and their romance has begun formin OF camera in etween Episode 1 and 2. Still they only reluctantly indulge in their feelings, but in essence it is AMIDALA that is making the advances, breaking Anakin’s training and turns out his passion/love (and thus inadvertently his darker side). There is NO plot to assassinate her, but high ranking political individuals are slowly transfered away from Coruscant, as an attack is feared, and instead of having ALL leaders wiped out all at once, the separatists could only damage them, but not wipe them out. The senators can holo-phone their stuff in.
Anakin is escorting her to Naboo (again, change it, or your Dookoo making kid will think of curvy furry animals eating grapes and frolicking in the sun) on a mission to prove himself to the council and Obi Wan.

4. Obi Wan and his former Master Yoda are investigating the murder of Chancellor Velorum (now Palpatine can be elected) Obi Wan follows the assassin, Jango Fett, and gets trapped on the planet where Dookoo (*sigh*) is staging and manufacturing his troops for the Battle at Ghettysburg Coruscant. Anakin and Amidala rush to the rescue, after having spent a sinful night together. (Yes. This early. Deal with it.)

5. Keep the arena scene, Dookoo and Maul are watching in horror as the Jedi and Clones march in. Chase scene, fight.
Now either Yoda is going limp due to old age or he is injured during the fight, Maul gets finally killed, LeeDookoo escapes, the droids join in their escape. Prior a discussion revealed the plans for the deathstar as previously in the old AotC.

6. Again, we meet Palpatine as Imperator (Darth PantaloonsSidious) only for a brief moment, no over indulgent conversations with a hologram that could be traced/recorder and compared. The Civil War is full on.
Episode 2 ends.

A thing about the sets. Except on ambasadorial or royal ships/locations, the sets should have a grimey, used touch to them. You know, a little dirty, a little used. Not ALL sets looking like they were built and cleaned an hour ago.

Again, fix this, for the sake of the force. DO IT!
A.

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 1

Hey, Disney, I have a suggestion for you.

FIX THE GOD DAMN PREQUELS!

Here’s how to do it.
1. “Fixing” In the opening crawler text write “After wittnessing the Imperial propaganda piece that was the Phantom Menace, which displayed the Jedi as sodden dimwits, here’s the truth.”

2. The entire “Dispute over Taxation of Tradrouts” crap – lose it. The Trade federation (or “the French”) is full on attacking a well armed Naboo civilisation, that is capable of holding up, but will eventially lose. Two Jedi are dispatched to instigate peace negotations. The opening shot after the crawler is a ship on approach to the planet, followed by a short overview of the exchange of hostilities between Naboo and the French.

3. Ditch Qui Gon. Who is sent to do the negotiating? Yoda and Obi Wan Kenobi. Master and Apprentice. Yoda does not yet have a cane to walk with – as someone who worked in a care home for a year I can tell you, old people (and Yoda IS old) can deteriorate pretty quickly. So here he is still fit and all, and only needs a cane later when Luke is visiting him.

4. There will be no negotiations. The two land secretly on the far side of the planet to avoid having to fight through two competing armies. There they run into one of the Gungas, or what ever the underwater Cretins are called.
NO JAR JAR BINKS!
They meet, let’s say the guard we encounter in TPM, he tells them that the war has disrupted the already fragile relations with the Naboo and them, and that they will help the Jedi.

5. Yoda and Obi Wan snatch Amidala from the besieged city together with her CHief of Security (one eyed Dude), go back through the underwater level, negotiate with the Cretins that they will help if no one comes to their aid from the Republic. Then they return to their ship with Amidala and her guard. NO FRIGGIN DECOY CRAP!

6. During their escape from “Planet of the Duh!” the ship gets damaged forcing them to land on Tatooine.  They meet a young pubescent Anakin Skywalker, about 14 years old. In order to impress the “Queen”, Anakin participates in a pod race (let’s keep that stuff in, the resulting game was AWESOME!) so they get the dough necessary for continuing on. Yoda and Obi Wan agree that Anakin needs training, although he clearly is too old to start the training, he still holds great power. NO MITICHLORIANS! Stop ruining Star Wars. Okay?

7. Selling their ship and dumping the cash from the pod race on Shmi and her BF (Owen Lars?) they then book passage on another ship (sounds familiar? Good. “It’s like poetry, so it rhymes.” Right?) and return to the Senate.

8. The Senate, who sent the Jedi to start the negotiations, is in a political lock down, between pro intervention and contra intervention parties, as well as few who couldn’t decide. Reflecting reality. Amidala, with more emotion than in TPM, votes for a no confidence thing, resluting in GENERAL new elections, for the entire senate, as the Chancellor is incapable of resolving the tie in senate. (This later creates a new Chancellor election empowering Palpatine)

9. The Jedi. Obi Wan is ready-ish to be granted the title of Jedi Knight, and desires to train Anakin as his Padawan. This is granted, as long as Yoda supervises for the first months, or year. The three Jedi (Yoda, Obi Wan and Anakin) return with Amidala to Naboo (we need to rename the Planet and the people, because Naboo sounds like shit you tell your three year old when tucking them in. “The Naboo were gentle people, and always frolicked in the sun, eating grapes…”) because of above stalemate in the senate.

10. Plans? The French have never had contact with Palpatine, those messages would be recorded, and that trunk like nose of his is a dead giveaway. They only speak with Darth Maul. In person, he has a small holographic communicator on him where he talks with Palpatine.
Why are the French attacking Naboo? Let’s say they have a stash of guns lying around, or valuable materials beneath their soil. We can draw the entire plot like the US American Civil War. The Separatists (Confederates) attack Naboo (Fort Something) and start the entire thing. Okay? Okay. Darth Maul keeps directing the French, and is equal to Obi Wan in a sword fight, and manages to escape. No one dies, yet.

11. Anakin and Amidala form a tender friendship with a slight hint of romance, after the battle of the Naboo with aid from the Cretins against the Droid Army. Little or no lightsabre action during the entire movie. The French are driven off, and few key figures are imprisoned and either jailed for life or executed. War times people. The Confederacy Separatist gain traction.
Naboo is free.
Episode 1 is over.

 

Please Disney, once enough time and republican credits are abundant, do this. Don’t forget, “credits will do fine” *handwave*.

May the force be with you,
A.

Star Wars, the force awakens

Okay, just a quick post.
First off, I’m writing this only today, as I wanted to finish an Episode of Rings of Fate yesterday.

Let’s get to the trailer now. First we see a dude who is obviously startled. “Frak! Those were the droids we were looking for.” Then an upgraded Pixar-Ball rolls through the desert telling us visually that this is now Diseny territory.
Next up we are given Space-Marines Stormtroopers. A woman on a speeder thingy, that is a bit difficult to get on to if you have no ladder, speeds off.
Followed by a few X-Wings over a lake. And now my favourite comes up.
A light sabre.
With a hilt.

Everybody craps their pants about this.
Why?
It’s a fictional weapon!
No one argued with the double edged light sabre in Episode 1!? In and off itself the light sabre is impractical, the hilt doesn’t make it less impractical, or more.
“It looks like a cross!” I hear offended Christians wine, and I say, let them. Did these fuckwits ever see a sword? If you are too narrow minded to realise that the original symbol for Christianity was a fish (much like this one: “<><“) and not a cross, you deserve to be ridiculed. “It’s a cross!” “No it’sa friggin ‘t’. Or a plus sign, or a sword. Now shut up.”

It’s teaming with energy, and violent in it’s shimmer. Good. I’ve had it up to here with the sterile plastic rod shaped light sabres of the past.
Aaand we see the Millennium Falkon. In some nauseating in flight action, set to the classic tune. Mouthwatering and Nerdgasmic.

What more can you ask from a trailer?
The answer: The STARS!
Not necessarily the stars of outter space, but what happened to Luke, Leia and Han? R2D2, C3PO and Chewbakka?
They’re there, I suppose. Somewhere. Behind a dune, or on the lakeshore, on the other side of the dark forest. In the Falkon.

However. The Trailer is great, and the discussion of the lightsaber is moot. A fantasy weapon is and stays a fantasy weapon. “Normal swords didn’t have blades on the hilt!”
A.) Search around long enough, you’ll find one. I guarantee it.
B.) What in the Star Wars universe is powerful enough to deflect a lightsaber? Answer: A Lightsabre. Therefore the hilt is of the same “material” as the “blade”. There fixed it, and the reconstruction is pointless, can a lightsabre blade go THROUGH another lightsabre blade? Nope! Hence the angular hilt is as useless as boobs on a fish.
This is the way it functions, not tilted, or any other way.

There, with a little Nerdlogic I fixed that for you.

Now my fellow nerds, go forth and enjoy the time until December 2015.

May the force be with you!
A.