Posts tagged ‘star wars’

Advertising, again

Advertisers the world over celebrate the fact that I’m not in power of a world wide government.

Why?

Because I would outlaw advertising.

But that isn’t what irked me to do today’s post.

It was a cross promotion I was bothered with on YouTube lately.

A Star Wars Solo and Car cross promotion.

First off, if your goated to see that good awful movie because of this, all hope for you is lost. All hope for you lineage is lost.

Secondly, if you’re prompted to purchase that car because the advertising was affiliated with Star Wars… then get into that car, start the engine, find a nice steel reinforced concrete wall, and drive into it at top speed.

I know, the advertising sluts are banking on the cliche nerds in their mid thirties to early forties, who had to move out of their parents basement and now need/want a car. But they fail to realize that THOSE Star Wars nerds, HATE the new movies.

All in all it is a sign of failure.

You buy that ticket, you lose (money and time).

You buy that car, you lose (money and dignity).

You made this advert, you lost (dignity, money, trust, customers, time)

Really, I hope that everyone involved in this gets some repugnant skin disease that mutilates their faces for eternity.

Take care, and stop advertising, really.

A.

A surprise egg!!!

Oh boy! I am letting out my inner child by buying this. I loved kinder surprise eggs as a kid. I’m a nerd. This will no doubt be a shitty toy, but it will still be epic!!!

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. The suspense is kiiiilling meeeee!!!!

Here we see tangible disappointment in the shape of a FUCKING ERASER!!!

If I were still a kid I’d be having a massive tantrum right now. Any child finding this inside their Star Wars surprise egg would be choking back tears of disappointment, broken dreams while munching on cheap chocolate. Maybe it skips well across the lake when tossed at the right angle and speed…

What is this supposed to be? Preparation for life? Cheap chocolate, suspense, disappointment. Not ONE parent will buy a second one of these. I won’t. I’m 35 and I even felt cheated and deeply disappointed. 

They should make Game of Thrones surprise eggs, containing the severed heads of the cast, with a small amount of fake blood in them for maximum gore and “fun”…

Whoever made this shit a reality should be forced to watch one thousand kids opening these fuckers. 

Take care, A.

Crappy Birthday in July

​24.99€ each and this can be YOURS!
I tried all three, albeit somewhat involuntarily at first.

Jedi and Empire are essentially the same smell, although Jedi is far less intense.

Imagine a sweet smell as if something was rotting, only far less unpleasant. Add some musky and bitter tones, and you have these two.
As for the only “female” stenchsmell in this menage a catastrophé, this is a smell that is (both descriptively and figuratively), as if cottoncandy and burned almonds, are wrapped around some stiff sausage that is already spoiled and smelling, but not yet rotten, before your nostrils are brutally, but lovingly, violated with it.

In all honesty, if ArmadilloAmidala really stank like this perfume, Anakin would’ve turned darkside in Episode 1, Luke and Leia would’ve never been conceived because Anakin would have murdered the shit out of everyone, especially Amidala.

So this is the perfect gift for Star Wars Geeks and Nerdettes to piss them off (and out of your life and future gift obligations), as well as for people who dislike, or outright hate, Star Wars, giving them another reason to hate the saga. This obnoxious stench.

Crappy Birthday, take care,
A.

PS: There is Jedi and Empire for men, but only Amidala for women. Why?

NEWS: Friday 15th Jan 2016 (incl. RoF)

I have struggled to write a new post for today.

Several reasons as to why, coincidentally, today’s the 15th. So it’s already covered by the birthday post. Then again, I don’t want the birthday posts to interfere with the normal operations on this blog. Added Bonus, FTW.

Another reason was that I have a lot of stuff going on ATM. And the last reason is, that I feel the need to justify myself. At least a little bit.

You see, there was a lot of stuff going in the last few months – in the world, I mean. You might have heard of these things going down.

Terrorist attacks, lunatic people, refugee crisis, sexual herassment and mass groping (up to mass rape).
I have remained silent on my blog. Invoking the appearance as if these posts had been made in advance.

Which is true.

The other thing is, I don’t want the tragedies of the real world derail me. Yes, it’s an ego thing. Partially.

I am an easily enraged person, a (little) choleric.
So whenever saomething injust happens I get angry. And as many of you may or may not know, if you write shit in an angry mood, it’s just that. Shit.

If I try to tone down my rage fueled hatred, it ends up being empty. If I let the hate flow through me, the texts seem like tempertantrums thrown by Kylo ren as he trashes a room. (yes, I’ve seen the movie! It was AWESOME!)

In addition: I refuse to let Terror win.
Terrorists do shit, we grind to a halt and write about it. Our empathy, our outrage, our hatred.
Derailing our plans, our ideas, and changing our world.
They win. We lose.
Unless they shoot me down, I will go on as before. That way, we win.

Anyway.

This is the reason why I am not going to comment on all this crap that is going on in the world. Terrorist attacks, refugee crisis, (armed?) militias  forming in my country (that has happened only once in history before, and shortly after we got annexed by Hitler Germany…go think about that for a moment or two!), sexual assaults on new years eve, “arm length distance” reactions to that by the mayor of that city…no. I will not comment on it.
Maybe later.
Probably never.

Again, they win. We lose.

That is also the reason why I hadn’t commented on Lemmy’s death, or David Bowie’s death, and why I won’t comment on Alan Rickman’s death.

Regarding Rings of Fate: I still need to tweak a few things here and there, get the (one) graphic right, and decide on a proper schedule. I hope to have it up and available by end of the month, but no promises….BTW: My connection to Facebook somehow won’t function properly… O.o

Until next time, stay safe, take care,
A.

Crappy Birthday in November

Barf!

We’re in the money, come on my honey! Let’s lend it, spend it, send it rolling around!

May next month be with you!

 

In honor of next month’s release of Episode 7 let me present this desperate cash grab. Star Wars characters as HotWheels cars.

Yes, this is a real product, I took the photo myself.

In all seriousness, I’d rather get that sweet car on the right for 1,69 Euro, than the poor adaptions of Star Wars characters as HotWheels cars, with a Han Solo on the packaging that looks nothing like Han Solo in any time period. Not even a poorly adapted CGI Han looks this far off.

It baffles me why these even exist! NOTHING in Star Wars has wheels! NOTHING! Gears, yes (the Jawas), wheels? Nope. We ASSUME R2D2 is moving on wheels, but do we see them?
NOPE!

If you have a Star Wars Fan in your (extend) circle of friends, and want to piss him/her off to no extent, here you go. Give them HotWheels cars, that are supposed to be Star Wars Characters.

Crappy Birthday,
A.

Back to the Future II (Welcome Marty!)

This is another irregular post, because today is the day.

Oct 21 2015

All too often people say “Where’s our Hoverboard?” or the flying cars. See, BttFII was a scifi movie, and all too often their predictions about the future are plain wrong.
Or we use the wrong “filter”.

SciFi is not always upfront with their messages, and their warnings. You just have to use the right filter, I think BttFII was spot on.

•Take the self lacing shoes – a message of not only convenience, but a warning of lazyness. There are motorized shoppingcarts. Okay? We don’t need selflacing shoes, we have people so fat and lazy they need a motorized shopping cart! Amazon delivery drones – is anybody home????

•”Jaws 19″ – well, do I even HAVE to rant about “Movies these days are only sequels/prequels/retellings/reimagenings/alternate universe/backstory/adaptations from books/shortstories/comics/manga/anime/cartoons/urban legends….” No? Good. Jaws 19 is a metaphor for this development. We may not have 19 sequels to Jaws, but it sure feels like it. Star Wars 7, with spin offs in planing and production, the entire Marvel crap, the n-th incarnation of Batman, Superman Spiderman and X-Men, and so fracking on.
Jaws 19, folks. Jaws 19! (Let us not touch 3D and its shittines)

•A fax machine in every corner of the house – a screen in every corner/pocket connected to the net. I have a smartphone, a tablet, a laptop, a netbook, my wife has a smartphone, a tablet, a notebook and we have a huge ass TV. People are online ALL DAMN DAY! You may not get fired through your smartphone, but because of actions taken on it (facebook post dissing your boss, and BAM you’re fired. f.e.)

•Tech obsession with multiple TV Channels and personal gadgets as well as handsfree gaming – uuuhm…see above’s paragraph for details…

•DeHydrated Pizza – It is not so much the Pizza in and of itself that is spot on, but our addiction to easy access, pre-made junk food. Microwave Popcorn and other such foods, instant ramen, bread you bake for ten minutes and you have a loaf of bread? Are you kidding? BttFII was dead on.

Of course there was other stuff they were right about, and some they were wrong about. But these are the things that people rant about the most.
So, yeah, welcome Marty, please turn things right in the past.

Good luck, and as always,
Take care,
A.

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 3

Finally the last one. I can’t wait to get this over with.

1. General LeeDookoo’s attack on the capitol is in full swing months after Episode 2. Amidala is on Naboo heavy preggers. Obi Wan and Anakin are in the defense of Coruscant, the robo lizzard General Grievous (see RedLetterMedia for additional baddies like Admiral Bone-to-Pick) is completely eliminated from the story. COMPLETELY!

2. Chacnellor Palpatine is abducted by General Dookoo (Darth R.E.Lee), the two (Obi Wan & Anakin) get him back. Remember, there is NO R2D2 or 3CPO here. Good? Perfect! Obi Wan is slowly suspecting there is something going on / wrong with Anakin, as he seems less reserved like a Jedi, but more aggressive like a Sith (can we call them “Dark Jedi” again? Sith sounds like a Hobo’s soiled pants after drinking too much Wine from a carton…).
General Darth Lee is murdered in cold blood by Anakin, further deepning the doubts that Obi Wan has in his apprentice.

3. After the separatists/confederates retreat from GhettysburgCoruscant, a decisive battle that IS determining the war (just like in the civil war at Ghettysburg), we are informed that Palpatine should have signed a treaty that makes the separation from the republic legal. (So the entire abduction finally makes sense!)

4. By now Palpatine has become interested in the irritated, angry young Jedi Anakin, and further deepens the damage to his training, drawing hi deeper into the Dark Jedi territory. Sooner or later Anakin becomes evil, which causes Amidala to end their relationship, filing for divorce, without telling him of her pregnancy. This makes him even more angry. BUT WE NEVER SEE THESE TWO ON THE SCREEN TOGETHER!

5. Darth Vader! Yes, finally we’re there. Palpatine sends him to deal with General Lee’s Dookoo’s successor on Mustafar (that’s racist by the way), who is staging & manufacturing a new wave of battle droids there. While offing these and the successor (a noname, who is not a dark jedi) Obi Wan and Yoda learn of the fate of their fellow Jedi. Palpatine has ordered his agents in the command ranks of the clone to wipe the JEdi out. Since the clones are obedient, they just do what they’re told without hesitation. Obi Wand Yoda are the sole survivors.

6. There is no endfight between Obi Wan and Anakin/Vader OR Yoda versus Palpatine.  His condition is due to the noname successor to Dookoo setting off a selfdestruct on Mustafar. Palpatine rushed to his aid, while Yoda hides on Dagobah, and Obi Wan goes with Senator Organa to look for Amidala, who dies in childbirth. Now the two (Yoda is already in hiding) decide to separate the twins, Leia on Alderaan as his adoptive daughter and Luke with the Lars’s on Tatooine, where Ben Kenobi also goes into hiding.

7. Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine watch a Death Star in construction imploding under its own weight, explaining why they’re taking so long to build an operational one until Episode 4.

There could be an outro crawler explaining that the Clone armies slowly died because of the advanced aging they had to under go, and drafts were pulling able bodied men into service. If you want to keep the “special edition” original trilogy, make Coruscant look a little run down. Buildings in neglect as the materials to build the fleet and the death stars are no longer available for maintaining stupid looking buildings…oh and make them dirty. And get “old” Anakin back in Episode 6.

So. I fixed the prequels. Somewhat. It could be done better, but this is a quickly drawn up draft for the real geniuses in Hollywood to work with.
Fix the mistake George did. While we’re at it, Paramount, send the dude who thought a CGI Enterprise in Star Trek TOS would be a good idea to the same island we need to ditch George on.
Thanks.

May the force be with you!
A.