Posts tagged ‘teenagers’

Romeo and Juliet

I noticed that, in various degrees, there is a new adaptation of Romeo and Juliet with each generation.

Generation menaing every five to ten years, when a new batch of kids reach that magical age of being a lovestruck teenager that can be milked for cash by Hollywood.

The latest being “Warm Bodies”.

I wonder, how long until we try to tap the Science Fiction segment with this tragic tale of two star-crossed lovers. Here’s my pitch:

Julia (16) works summer job in her fathers lab, he is trying to create Antimatter, through a rift in the Space-Time-Continuum a boy (Romeao, 16) from an Antimatteruniverse is pulled through into the magnetically sealed chamber. The two fall in love, but can never touch – that would create an explosion tearing a hole in the ground that could house half a continent.

Long story short, they DO touch (kiss) and for a fleeting fraction of a millisecond they feel completed and hole. Then the inevitable happens and their bodies annihilate each other (and everything else in large radius around them).

End result: Both dead.

There, mission fulfilled. SciFi Romeo and Juliet.
If you want, you can rverse their roles, but I thought giving Juliet the empowered Science Background would satisfy a lot more.

Hollywood: This idea is mine, if you want it, it’s purchasable.
Contact me. 😉

A.

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Young Adult crap…

…I kow I’m going to make anything but friends with this, but I need to get this out of my system…publicly.

Enough with this “Young Adult” garbage!

Enough with the mostly terrible books, and the almost entirely unstandable film adaptations. Yes, I’m looking at you Twilight crowd, and you Hunger-Games people.

First off, there is NO such thing as a young adult. There are teenagers (Kids basically) and then there are twens (adults). The former are anything BUT adults, and the other are not “young” per se. These movies are made for the tiny margin of people between 18 and 21. Kids who achieved adulthood by not dying, and who aren’t old enough to drink hard liqor in some backwater countries around the globe.

In short, a group of people in desperate need of rolemodels.

I’m all in favor of empowering women, and giving teenagers in general a healthy attitude, but these books and films are (mostly) crap! When I was a kid and a teen and a “young adult”, I was watching MacGyver, Star Trek and James Bond. Those were my rolemodels. Not a teen my age who had more experience than Bond, more brains than MacGyver and Spock combined and more chicks / guys lusting after them than Captain Kirk!

Not only are these characters two dimensional superhero cutouts, empowered with the might and knowledge of an adult writer, in most cases the premise of the scenarios themselves are crap too! Yes. Here comes the Hunger Games Crowd: A society that has the technology and resources to create these idiotic games and setups and surveilance and traps, has the technology/power to FEED FRAKING EVERYONE and have enough for exports! The whole premise is not dystopian but idiotic.

Kids, get GROWN rolemodels. I admit there is a certain lack of adequate female rolemodels out there (at least im comparison with MacGyver, Kirk and Bond), but still, girls, look to WOMEN for guidance, not girls.

You don’t want to be a sixteen year old (that sounds like a fourty something wrote his dialogue) – sixteen is a stupid age. With sixteen you’re full of shit and you have no idea that you are. (If you are in that age range and you disagree, wait ten years and then come talking to me.) As an adult you are full of shit, and you are painfully aware of it. Which makes you a complete person.

If boys wanted to be boys, and girls wanted to be girls, when would they transform into adults? Right, never. At least if they had any say in it. Boys become men, girls become women.
Adjust your rolemodels and ditch the idiotic “Young Adult” concepts.

It is, amongst other things, these crappy “Young Adult” nonsense flicks that distort young people’s view on the world. They feel that they are entitled to stuff. Which they aren’t.

Bring back coming of age flicks, in which a full-of-shit-and-unaware-of-it character slowly realises the ugly truth about him/herself and of the world. Bring (back) adult rolemodels for boys and girls, by showing them men and women who are all they want (and need) to be.

In that respect, take care, especially you young reader, especially you.
A.

Fracking Fairytales III

Rumpelstiltskin:
So, the miller has a loud mouth and brags to the king about his daughter that can make gold out of straw. King abducts the girl and locks her in a room with straw telling her to do it, or else she’s dead. Buhu, crying girl attracts IMp (Rumpelstiltskin) who offers help in return for her ring.
Done.
Second night of abduction, same story bigger room, more straw. Imp returns and wants the necklace. Deal.
Done.
Third night, even bigger room, even more straw, king says “Do it or I’ll behead you, if you get it done by dawn I’ll marry you.” – aaaaand here is where I start having REALLY big troubles with this story. In her place I would’ve cried again to make the Imp return, let the haggling begin and when he says “Give me your first born child” I would’ve said “Better deal, I’ll let YOU have my cootch, but in return, kill the king for me!”.
As we all know, that’s not what has happened in the fairytale. No. She agrees to his terms and conditions (without reading them I suppose, just like the rest of us) and she marries the king, and has a baby later on (by said king) – really? Are all women in these stories suffering from sever Stockholm Syndrome?
The courier, or hunter overhears Rumpelstiltskin chant his name and tells her, so she can keep the kid while Rumpelstiltskin tears himself in two! Gore factor, achieved. Abduction for marriage counting on Stockholm Syndrome, achieved.

Snowwhite:
You all know the story, and you all know the setting: A teenager lives alone with seven men. And she has to do the “household chores”. Guess what that includes?
But then she chokes on an apple, and supposedly dies. The prince then takes the dead girls body with him because she is soooo pretty. Possible Necrophilia! What fun times we live in, at least it isn’t Stockholme again.
She reawakens the bwitch is defeated and all is well…only the poor dwarves have now to do their “chores” themselves again.

Snow-White and Rose-Red (german: Schneeweißchen & Rosenrot):
I’m mentioning this, mostly just because of this:

That’s right a brothel is advertising with fairytale characters. Kudos!
Although I should mention here that two kids letting a bear live in their house for the winter should’Ve been eaten, even if the critter can talk. In the end the gnome who had enchanted the prince into a bear dies and the prince marries one of the girls and the other got his brother (woohoo, poor girl is the loser here, since she get’s the perpetual prince)

Fracking Fairytales I

Some of the fairytales we tell our children I find rather offensive to the human intellect.

I can remember that I found them silly when I was a kid, and now that I am going to tell them myself to my child I can’t help but cringe internally at their stupidity.
Luckily for me I can vent my thoughts about them here.

Please note: Of course they’re going to be rather german centered, as our native language here IS german.

Mother Hulda:
So the blond haired girl that works hard gets covered in gold and comes back, the lazy dark haired one gets pitch. Sounds to me like the dark haired one was just out of luck (or talent), and the blond one was working a stripper pole, or worse working the night.
“Where’d you get that gold girl?”
“Uuuhm…I pricked my finger, fell in the well, and helped that old lady?” Then the other one, stupid as she was, tried the same shit and just found mud in the well, but no old lady, embarrassed that she was such a dumb frack she told the same story only that se had been too lazy.
A load a crap if you ask me.

Hans in Luck:
So this idiot goes out, works and earns himself a huge friggin lump of gold. If the story would end here, I’d say – aptly named.
It doesn’t end there and it isn’t.
He trades the gold for something else, and trades and trades – getting something less valuable everytime- until he ends up with a millstone. He carries it onward home, get’s thirsty and the thing falls down a well. Now, he is happy to be rid of his burden, and everyone is happy.
WHAT?!?!?! If you read the story backwards – A magic well spits out an old mill-stone and he trades until he has a huge fracking lump of gold – YES!
But in this order? He’s the village idiot, and he loses the reward for his hard work during apprentice ship! THAT ISN’T LUCK! This is idiocy, and UNLUCKY! If you ask me that story could be renamed into “Bad Luck Brian and his gold”
(Don’t get me started on the metaphores for poor people in here: “The gold IS the millstone and it IS a burden, be glad that you are soooo lucky that you don’t have that gold weighing you down!”)

Rapunzel:
First of all, the name itself is an old german word for a certain salad.
Yes, salad.
Knowing that much already, you know what you’re in for: A tale of a Vegetable. (Insult & pun intended)
So this woman wants the salad that grows in the witch’s garden, her hubby steals it, the witch knows and wants in turn the baby. She imprisons the girl in a tower without doors.
So far, so good.
Cue enter prince! The idiot climbs up the tower with her hair and doesnt cut it off, binds it on the windowsill and climbs down with her.
No.
They flirt (yeah, “flirt” hehe…two horny teenagers alone in a tower without doors only “flirt”, especially when the gal never had seen ANY man before in her life!) then she tells him to bring a single thread of silk eachtime he visits so she can secretly weave a ladder out of it.
I’d have said yes, just like the prince did, but then I’d have gone back to my castle, told the stableboy to fetch me a strick-ladder and returned the next night with it: “Change o’plans my dear, Winter is coming and I need you to have my heirs, so come along now.”
But NOOOOO he continues with her fracking plan, until that kid with the loose mouth tells the witch “Why are you, much lighter than that young handsome prince, so much heavier to carry up?” – Jesus Hairdressing Christ!
So the witch throws her out and waits for the dude, who jumps out of the window in terror – now. It is 21 cubits high. Do the fracking math. Even an unfit blob like me could do that jump without serious harm to myself!
This guy, however, falls eyes first into thorn bushes and is blinded!
FOOL!
Here’s what to do: Decaptiate the crone, climb down and search for your love with two good eyes, get a hunter from the castle who could track the girl in the woods. If you’re lucky wolves haven’t gotten to her.
At least it ends somewhat well, although I had hoped they both drown in a sewage pond…

There will be more as soon as they come up, but these ones I had to get out of my system right away…