Posts tagged ‘texts’

Life ain’t that hard, communication

There are many things segregating the peoples of this earth. Culture and religion are two of the more deeply rooted ones.

Then there’s communication. 

It separates people from the same culture, religion and, yes, even the same fraking language.

Sugar coated, silver tongued words are incomprehensible to simple blokes (like me). Religious, bloated texts from the bronze age, are incomprehensible (and thus “true”) to anyone who lacks critical thinking.
The slang from the “ghetto” is nigh incomprehensible to the uptown folk.

But that isn’t what I want to adress here.

It’s the following shit, as usual with my solutions to the issues at hand:

■Emoji – Look, if you need to express yourself with god damn pictograms, move to ancient Egypt, or the Mayan Empire. If you need to ‘enhance’ your communication with those pictograms, you lack some essential communication skills, and should be forced to sit with your mental peers – in preschool.
■Failures at their native language – if you can’t make heads or tails of yojr native language (like “there”, “their” and “they’re” as well as other homophones), we get to beat your head with heavy thick books. Thesaurus, dictionaries, books with lots of words (and sentences, paragraphs, etc.) and no friggin pictures anywhere. (Afterwards you must read and study them!)
■Euphemisms – if you use terms that have no real world equivalent (“negative cash flow position” = broke; “fursona” = clinically insane; etc.), or any form of uber political correct language, I am going to cripple you.
And rightly so.
■Euphemisms II – in general, if you sacrifice comprehensibility on the altar of fancy speech, you lose. A small base is surely willing to follow you on your newspeak way, but the majority, isn’t. On occasion you troglodytes may utter a brilliant thing or two, but no one can understand your weird lingo!
■I don’t think it means what you think it means – You people keep using words without knowing what they mean. Before you believe someone hurling words at you that (should) scare/impress you, check those words in an actual dictionary, especially if your first impulse is to believe, or worse, repeat them (to others)! Unless you want to one day be beaten with said dictionary, in addition to making yourself look like a dumbass.
■Factcheck – if the words are used in the right context, please, before you spread factually inaccurate garbage, check the claims made in your communication. Don’t make up claims yourself. In case you don’t fact check or make up crap, it is YOU who looks like a dumb fool.
■Picture madness – if you only (or predominantly) convey shoddy information as (ill spelled/grammatically wrong) text in an image with a pseudo spiritual backdrop and imagery (or a “quote” with a picture of the “quoted”) your way of communicating is crappy. Stop communicating. At all.
■More language torture – writing in abbreviations or contractions. U kno m8? I will personally track you down and beat you with first grader books until you poop the reading rainbow! Read books, write like an adult!
■Decorations? – Did you notice this wird chicken scratch thing I keep inserting in my text? “,” – it’s called a comma. It is your friend. Use it. I may not be perfect, but I’m afraid I am better than thou, because I have had to sit through texts without any comma. Dear people who do not use commas: I will stab you in the eye!
■Signatures – I understand the need of E-Mail signatures. Inserting your contact info at the end of your Mail is common place. I do it in my private E-Mails with my social media gobshite, and at the office with the usual crap (Telephone, Fax, etc.) But if you add a disclaimer about third-party usage and so on, that is LONGER than your typical E-Mail, it’s obnoxious. If you add a passive agressive message (with hiroglyphs?) about your insecurities and selfrighteous ramblings about your life’s choices, I WILL find you, and I WILL hurt you.
■Phones – Short consise exchanges of Information. That’s what a phone call sbould be. The technology enables us to send a WHISPER around the globe, so, DON’T YELL!! You have a cellphone, pick up. If I repeatedly call and can’t reach you, I get to take away your cellphone and get you stuck with a landline again. Just so I can strangle you with the cord.
■(Tele)Fax – Stop using this out dated technology. Just stop. And if you insist on uaing it for some outlandish, primitive reason, make damn sure you have the right side facing the scanner, you wouldn’t believe how many empty faxes I have had to endure in my work.

There, was it really that hard?
Didn’t think so.
Now, get going in correct communication.

Take care,
A.

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Roundhousekick

I’ve read recently “Thanking god for saving your house in a tornado while your neighbors got hit is like wriking a Thank-You-Letter to a serial killer for killing the people next door but not you.” – I concur.

I can imagine that prayer going like this “Thank you dear god for destroying the Smiths, their property and cattle, but not us and ours. Thanks a lot, love Jon. Amen.”

News has it that the NSA has been reading our text messages (amongst monitorin our calls and our E-Mails). Now, I know that they filter it with a computer for certain words, but imagine the poor Fraker going through a text message suspicious conversation…
“I’m dropping a bomb on my parents.”
“What?”
“I’M PREGNANT!”
“Julie, this IS your mother! Again: WHAT???”
“Uuuuhm….”

And that poor dude is just sitting there, not even able to flinch or smirk anymore.
Let alone laugh.
And because Julie once sent “Bomb” in a text message she’s under clsoer surveilance, after all, she might be writing in “code” now.
“Did you see teh dress that Kim is wearing? Oh Em Gee!” Poor Agent Smith is loosing the last bits of hope he had for the human race, and hopes for a Taliban Crazy to fly a plane into the NSA headqarters so his miserable life would find an end.

And of course, let’s not forget, the computer saw that Julie wrote her mum the word “Bomb” and now monitors the mother too more closely, and since she too might be writing in “code”, a living agent has to read her crap too. Perhaps even poor Agent Smith.
And now he knows that Julies Mom has an affair with Kim’s dad, and she found out, but to shut her up she bought Kim the hideous dress that Julie wrote about before….it’s worse than “The Bold and Beautiful”, and one day Agent Smith is found hanging in his garage, a suicide note lying next to him saying just “STFU!”…(Plottwist: Julie ALSO has an affair with Kim’s dad and he’s her baby’s father….)

There are news, and there are “news”. I recently stumbled upon a “news” blog here on WordPress. It’s in german, so most of you can be spared the pain, and honestly, I don’t want to give THEM any trackbacks or traffic, so there is no link or name.
But let me tell you that these people are as paranoid as they come. They make people who fear that Bush staged 9/11 and Obama is preparing a “Liberal Negro Takeover” pale im comparison. Let me just state right out here some contra facts: Toothpaste isn’t killing you. Vaccinations are your friend, not the enemy that increases hayfever (going back to ancient Babylon), causes cancer/mental illnes (falsified research in order to press charges) or death (WTF??). The only “New World Order” that is imposed on us is an economic one, and it will devour itself before it got going. So lean back and enjoy the warmest winter in recent european history.