Posts tagged ‘toddler’

21st century, 1st world problems

I came across this toot on Mastodon.

Well, perhaps it is an evil scheme from Amazon, forcing toddlers and their parents to interact, at least occasionally.

By removing pictures, aka pictograms, and replacing them with text, kids who can’t read yet, MUST ask an adult (or older child) for assistance. This preventing, possibly, binge watching in the next generation, enforcing the oh so sweet human interaction.

But what do I know. My five year old would binge watch the entire library of Tom and Jerry, PJ Masks and similar stuff twice over if we would let him, or he had pictograms to help him navigate when we are distracted.

So, maybe, just maybe, Amazon didn’t fuck up, they did shit right.

Take care,

A.

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Nihilistic children…

I was at the playground with my son the other day, and while playing with him I overheard the most nihilistic thing I had ever heard. Especially from a kid.

Nothing is really fun or beautiful

(I am paraphrasing, as it needed translation)

With a kid like that you don’t need to save for college, but for therapy. The boy was around five or six years old and just blurted that line out. On the fucking playground. 

What is that kid’s outlook on life? Starting fires in daycare a year down the road because only the flames provide some warmth? Holy shit. 

Drag the kid to the therapist, medicate him before he’s full on psychotic! What are those parents reading him for bedtime? The collected works of Lovecraft?? This kid needs some serious help!

Thankfully no arson was committed that day. No sacrifice to the deep ones. Just playing on the frakking playground. 

For now. Because remember, nothing is really fun our beautiful. 

Take care (of your psycho kids),
A.

Crappy Birthday in September

​http://www.smartbe.co/

Introducing Smartbe, the smart stroller for dumb people who shouldn’t have children, let alone be left alone with them.

This thing can be controlled via app, on your “I’m-a-certified-moron”-watch or your smart phone. It then will follow your every move, always staying a certain distance away from you, so you can jog (an activity for idiots, especially on paved ground), or take calls and stroll around like a squirrel on speed (always shadowed by that stroller which is creepy), hunt down, mercilessly attack and catch imaginary critters in the park, or just walk without touching the darn thing – god forbid, you could form an emotional bond with the small entity inside (hey you handsfree-bimbo, now you can reacher over and “touch” ME!)

The fondle-a-stranger-friendly distance to stroller and child, the emotional cold so to say, is continued in other features of this space age stroller: 

¤In case you are so distanced to your parasitic offspring that you walk away from the stroller/pram with the baby inside, you can get an alarm, on your phone! I’m sure it will not be tripped by the twenty people who check if the child is alright while you let some dude ‘plow your fields’ around the next bush. 

¤Your child might be chilly or exposed to too much wind/sun? No problem, just close the canopy on the little fucker from the app, no need to get too close!

¤Curious how your child is doing? Forget bending over and looking, you might catch a whiff of those nasty baby smells, just look at your brat through the camera! Best part, your child won’t ever even know you just looked at it – it will remain frightened, crying and desperate for some warm human interaction. 

I must admit, the seatheater and the bottle warmer are innovative ideas for a pram, but the rest?

Look people, life ain’t that hard: if you have kids your pre-child activities are restricted, or put on hold for a few years. You wanna jog or fondle strangers in the park? Do it while your partner has the kid, or a nanny, or a grandmother (they usually beat other people to spend time with their grandchildren). 

But, do not take them with. 

Especially in a fucking pram that is (will be) presumably powered by the same kind of Lithium Ion batteries that lit up a few “hoverboards”. 

There are easier, less idiotic and cheaper ways to kill your baby. Or give it up for adoption.

Or better yet – do not have a child, your genes deserve no chance of being passed on.

Crappy Birthday.

Mommy blogs!

Or joint parent blogs.

I have never indulged in the activity of reading these insipid, driveling wastes of insignificantly minute storage space on the net.
First off, I’m not the target audience – a mom, and secondly these blogs almost never have any value.

You’re not gaining some new insight on how to “parent”, that you didn’t get from being one, or having one. There is not enough substance to these vapid excuses of brain leakage, that would permit wasting time on reading them. Or just one.
Same goes for 99% of these so called “parenting magazines”, with articles so empty you are left to wonder why these sniffling shits aren’t writing speeches for politicians.
If it weren’t for product testing – including lab tests for hazardous materials – these magazines would be worth less than ink and paper, separately, used to make this glossy kindling.
I digress.

Mommy (b)logs are used by the mommy bloggers to make the simplest most mundane task look like a deed more heroic than the deeds of all Marvel and DC superheroes combined.
Mommy dearest breastfeeds her baby despite it being four and will continue to do so, until the kid enrolls in college. She carries the child in a sling, although her shoulders are bleeding, claiming “her indigo crystal child needs the intimacy, closeness and prolonged bonding,” although the brat is clearly old enough to fracking walk, or even go on prolonged hikes.
Great job.

Vegan, gluten-, lactose-, sugar-, and fat-free is an added “burden”, because it creates a (selfimposed) martyrdom to raise a child this way, with relatives and friends and doctors(!) telling them that it is absolute BS.

Adding to that, they hallow their “parenting” (and thus themselves) even more, if they are absolute nutjobs who think science and medicine are evil and thus they raise desease ridden, virii spreading little snotballs who run from vaccines and pills like they stole something.
But hey, they raise kids who are “all natural”. (Despite humans being omnivores, not herbivores, and our very existence outside of Africa is unnatural, but that’s not the issue here.)

That’s another staple of mommy bloggers.
The absolute glorification of the natural, and nature, ignoring the cold, logical, harsh and mindblowing truth that EVERYTHING is perfectly natural, unless some shit comes oozing into this universe through some rift in the space-time continuum.

But these narcissistic, ego driven, professional parents and breeders probably have lactated away all the brain cells necessary for rational and coherent thought, thats why all these blogs (or magazines) are shallow, pitifully dumb, meaningless drivel. People who read or write mommy blogs are people who have picture frames with the words “Friends”, “Family” and especially “Selfies” at home. For this is just another of the “Give me attention, because I am” cases, like the Selfie-people .

If you ever happen to strand on a Mommyblog, take it for what it is, snot. If you stare at the screen for too long thinking that a deeper meaning would peel out of this mindless conglomeration of letters and words, your eyes will roll back in your skull and they will find you, once your bills go unpaid, as a half rotten corpse in front of a computer that burned down in self pity.

Take care, and don’t read mommy blogs, they are an insult on the very words making them up (“mommy” and “blog”), as sell as an insult to anyone thinking.
A.

Patience

Truly is a virtue. A virtue that I am not in possession of.

I have gotten over the aneurysm inducing first parent-teacher conference, and I must say, I marvel at the patience of the Kindergarten teachers, and the braindamage indicating stupidity of the parents.
All of which seem like either left-over Yuppies (Ouppies?) or Alternative-Antivaxxer-Hippies.
Or both.

KGT (Kindergardenteacher): “For the strictly voluntary, weekly Out-Of-The-House-Day supply your kid with a backpack, raincoat, they should wear trousers, don’t pack lunches, and supply a reusable waterbottle, we fill the bottles with the children here.”
Parent1: “The bottle should be empty?”
KGT: “Yes.”
Parent2: “Can we fill them at home?”
KGT: “No. We fill them with the kids, here.”
Parent3: “So, the bottle is supposed to be empty?”

I wonder how these people have made it through the daily gauntlets of life so far.

If I would’ve held that conference I would’ve told them the first sentence. When the first parent asks I would’ve let out a sigh of frustration and stared blankly into the audience: “Listen up. I will say this only once again: Bring an empty bottle that your kid is going to fill up with water. Here. With us. You do not fill it yourselves, we and the kids do. If any of you are dimwitted enough to be confused by this simple task, LEAVE! Leave now, your kids will be taken into custody of the state, your drivers licence will be revoked, and you won’t be permitted to vote, anymore! In fact, you will be given a legal guardian yourself!”

Explaining basic simple crap to toddlers is something that needs to be done.
They’re learning. That is something I can do. Their attention span is about 5 seconds (unless they are supposed not to pay attention to something, then it can’t be deterred).
But their parents get zero tolerance.
These people have had kids, they need to raise these kids. They are holding jobs.
They have a permit to navigate a vehicle of several tons, loaded with said children and several liters of a highly flammable liquid, through populated areas.
They are allowed to vote! Thus, not only ruining the futures of small groups of people, but large groups of people.

And this can’t be tolerated! They need to be as much raised/trained as their kids, the KGT shouldn’t let that shit slip.

So.
After my first almost-breakdown, we went on further down shit road. 

Still on the subject of the voluntary, weekly Out-Of-The-House-Day:
KGT: “We ask the children whether they want to go out and if they don’t want to, they stay inside.”
Parent4 (FRONTROW SEATED!): “Well I was under the impression that my child’s backpack was hardly if ever used last year. Why’s that?”
KGT: ….
In my head: “Did you binge drink before you got here, passed out and didn’t hear jackshit about the entire voluntary part, only waking up due to the ruckus over the bottle? Did you take LSD and fazed out? Don’t ask about the bottle, I dare you! Maybe your little snowflake did not want to go out that much?”

If they were to hold a simple test AFTER the meeting, to see what the parents retained OF the meeting, the results would be catastrophic. Further cementing my idea that such test should be required to vote in election.

Sheetcreek river tours ain’t over yet!

KGT: “By rules and regulations, as well as the law, we are prohibited from administrating any medication on your children. That includes cremes if your child has diaper sore, or homeopathic globuli.”
In my head: “Wahahahahaha, good, my kid shouldn’t eat too much candy anyways!”
KGT: “We can’t even use disinfectants.”
Parent5: “Blood does disinfect anyways.”

What??? Wait! WHAT??? Then why on earth are we doing all this disinfection shit then? Why are there sterile OR tools? This parent solved all of our problems! Doctors, throw away those gloves, ditch that soap amd get to work asap, blood disinfects!

Back on track.
Parent6: “Why don’t you use Octenisept? It has hardly any sideffects, it doesn’t even burn!”
In my head: “Seriously, what kind of drug abuse are you folks partaking in to get to the point of blacking out every five minutes and missing vital shit like PROHIBITED BY LAW? Did you get ANY of that?

KGT: “No. We can’t. Dirt is washed out by the blood flow if it’s a scratch, if the child is bleeding more heavily than a band aid could contain, mwe are calling either you, or an ambulance anyways.
Parent7: “What if the child is bleading too heavy for a band aid?”

I am dead serious, what drugs were you people doing before coming in? And why did I miss the stand where they gave out the free acid or whatever?
I’d rather watch the coffeemachine turn into a dragon guarding my fridge, than go through that shit ever again!

After that the aneurysm inducing parents with the braindamage apparently gave up and kept their mouths shut.

In conclusion I must say, yes, I’d have the patience to deal with a bunch of toddlers, but I lack the tolerance, and the will to deal with a bunch of adults, which are supposedly sane.
My deepes respect to teachers worldwide, kindergarten or otherwise.

Take care,
A

PS: Next parent-teacher conference, I am going to get piss drunk beforehand.

Athena & Odin

A cold and stormy winter night had fallen onto the forest where Athena the barn owl lives. She wanted to get to town, the little boy could hardly fall asleep without her cuddling him.
But snowfall was dense, she could not see where to go! The roads and sidewalks were covered under a thick blanket of snow as well. Her friends Teddy the bear and Otto Ferdinand the frog, were fast asleep in their cosy beds.
Desperate she flew around the edge of the forest, how could she get to the little boy? A hoot, much like her own, startled her. “He-hello?” She hooted back.
“Hello.” Barely visible against the snow a white owl perched on a branch not far. Curious she sat down next to him. “I’m Athena, the barn owl. I need to find my way to the little boy, he can’t sleep without me by his side!”
“I’m Odin, the snow owl. I can show you the way, in this weather I can find it easily.” He hooted with a smile in his eyes.
Athena flew right behind him, through gusts of wind, filled with flakes of snow. Over hilltops, streets and cops of trees, covered thickly with snow. She had to keep her eyes on Odin’s darker feathers, or else she might have lost him white against white.
“Here!” He hooted at a windowsill, eagerly small hands reached out. “We have arrived.”
Both he and Athena were grabbed, and held tightly against a tiny chest, with care and love until there was nothing but a night’s well deserved rest.

Nativity cuddlers

Athena as Mary,
Odin as Joseph,
Lilky as Baby Jesus,
Fritz as Balthasar,
Otto Ferdinand as Caspar,
Pingu as Melchior,
Teddy and Emma as Shepherds,

image

and Arthemis as Angel.

Merry Christmas!