Posts tagged ‘urinating’

Life ain’t that hard, public transportation

You know what would make the daily commute a real treat? Less of any…

Riding the bus, or anything else public transport, isn’t exactly complicated, it’s fairly easy.  But all the while people have trouble with it, so to make it all a little less shitty, a little less smelly, a lot less noisy and overal a little bit nicer, here it is, simply read and remember (or print out):

☆Beforehand: Take a shower, or use deodorant. But do not bathe in cologne/perfume! Do not apply any of this stuff at the public transport of choice
☆Beforehand: Brush your teeth, or get a strong gum. Do not use strawberry toothpaste, or brush your teeth in public transportation!
☆Food isn’t sold or served in the vehicles, so don’t eat there! You’re not a Hobbit.
★It’s not a restroom, so don’t shit, piss or, if possible, vomit here! And don’t change your tampon either!
☆This ain’t a watering hole, get drunk elsewhere.
☆Earphones yes, Speakers no. No one cares for your shitty taste in what you wrongly call “music”.
☆This ain’t a phone booth, if you get a call, tell them you’re busy, don’t call anyone. If everyone did it, the noise would be unbelievable.
☆This is not a Singles Bar, stop hitting on people!
☆Do. Not. Fuck. There! Seriously, does this need an explanation? (This includes dry humping.)
☆Old, pregnant, handicapped people with infants get your seat if you are NOT in any one of these categories.
Doors. Nuff said.
☆Don’t deal with or consume drugs in the public transport, or adjacent places.
☆Busses, Trains, etc. are not a stage for you aspiring ‘musicians’, they’re not the catwalk for all you pretend ‘models’ and they’re not a good photo op. Got it? Good.
☆Unless you need help (heart attack, etc.) or help (lost) or help (getting mugged/groped/etc.) DO NOT TALK TO STRANGERS
☆Throw garbage into litter bins, especially chewing gum! Don’t you get my butt stuck to the seat.
☆Don’t fight. This isn’t your territory, it isn’t contested. It belongs to the government/transportation company.
☆If you are with one or more friend/s keep your conversation at a low volume, if you’re deaf – learn sign language.
☆Old people, well into retirement, this one’s for you: During rush hour, stay wherever you are, but stay away from public transport. Same with women who have small children.
★Bicycles, don’t bring them here. Seriously, be a nuisance elsewhere, but don’t come here with your thing (soon!)
★Escalators and Elevators, holy crap, we really have to explain these too? Okay, soon…
☆Take your feet off the seats, take your bags of the seats. Or else some of hour fellow commuters might become hostile.
☆This ain’t your bed, so do not lie across two (or more) seats. Your options are: sitting and standing.
Or you can walk.

See? A concise list, easily committed to memory, a small print out.
Or, as I would call it “COMMON FRACKING SENSE”.

Take care, and
☆Get a friggin ticket before taking the ride. No bullshitting your way out of it!

A.

Life ain’t that hard, (public) toilets.

Problems with public toilets have been a reoccurring theme in our society.

As usual I am here to help!

It is simple:
•Excrete your feces into the bowl and leave them there.
•Urinate into the bowl, or the Urinal. Unsteady stream? Sit down.
•Wiping is done utilising toilet paper, not bare hands, socks or other things.
•Regurgitate directly into the bowl if possible.
•Ejaculate into a piece of toilet paper, nowhere else, if you are alone, that is.
•Bleeding, change your tampon, or call an ambulance, but don’t bleed freely everywhere.
•Flush. No, seriously, FLUSH!
•This is a no smoking area, there’s  methane in the air!
•Shooting yourself up with drugs is never good, but particularly bad here.

Print this out if you need or want to.

One last word of advice:
Feces, Urine, Vomit, Semen, Blood – none of these are an accepted source for painting the stall and ceiling over with. If you have uncontrollable artistic urges, bring a sharpie.
If you want to experiment with your fetishes, do it at home or a close friend’s house. Really close.

Life ain’t that hard, see?

Take care,
A.