Posts tagged ‘vomit’

Life ain’t that hard, Escalate and Elevate

It is simple, both devices take you from one floor to another. And for both you don’t need a PhD in theoretical physics.

Look, it’s simple:
★ Escalators, are basically stairs that go up, or go down:
•stand on the right
•walk on the left
•don’t sit on the handrail and don’t be surprised to plummet to your death if you do
•tie your Shoelaces beforehand, or else they may get caught in the thing
•don’t “run” in the opposite direction staying stationary
•watch your step upon stepping on and off the thing
•no pram, bike, wheelchair, dog or unicorn on this

★Elevators, these cabins of death move vertically, not yet in the horizontal plane, or diagonally, it is bets to sing “Oh lord, what is I gon’ do?” upon entry, and keep these in mind:
•I can’t stress the importance of doors.
•press button of desired target floor
•don’t: fart, defecate, urinate, spit, litter, fuck, vomit…eat, drink…deal with or consume drugs, murder people or animals, make or play music, apply deodorant/perfume/cologne…or worst of all: converse.
•upon exit, don’t press (all) other floor buttons
•someone approaches the elevator, hold the door open, don’t close it on them (or let it happen)
•no silly creepypasta games. Ever.
•it is not funny to press the emergency button
•in case the elevator gets stuck, press the emergency button, and remain calm, take long breaths
•IN CASE OF FIRE THE SHAFT ACTS LIKE A CHIMNEY, so DON’T use it…
•if it has one, do not press the STOP button

Now that this is cleared up, we can take the stairs…
•don’t put flowers on them, buy a shelf you cheap frak
•don’t sit there like homeless people, get a couch you cum stain…

Take care,
A.

Life ain’t that hard, (public) toilets.

Problems with public toilets have been a reoccurring theme in our society.

As usual I am here to help!

It is simple:
•Excrete your feces into the bowl and leave them there.
•Urinate into the bowl, or the Urinal. Unsteady stream? Sit down.
•Wiping is done utilising toilet paper, not bare hands, socks or other things.
•Regurgitate directly into the bowl if possible.
•Ejaculate into a piece of toilet paper, nowhere else, if you are alone, that is.
•Bleeding, change your tampon, or call an ambulance, but don’t bleed freely everywhere.
•Flush. No, seriously, FLUSH!
•This is a no smoking area, there’s  methane in the air!
•Shooting yourself up with drugs is never good, but particularly bad here.

Print this out if you need or want to.

One last word of advice:
Feces, Urine, Vomit, Semen, Blood – none of these are an accepted source for painting the stall and ceiling over with. If you have uncontrollable artistic urges, bring a sharpie.
If you want to experiment with your fetishes, do it at home or a close friend’s house. Really close.

Life ain’t that hard, see?

Take care,
A.

Be my … EYECANCER!

EggFor all the hopeless romantics out there, desperate of bestowing a small defenseless lifeform on their beloved, but who are either unable to make babies happen, or are barred from doing so (by said beloved), there are two choices.
One: give them a real lifeform – not a VD – that might shit all over their home; which would result in any chances with the “beloved” melting away faster than snow thrown into a pit of lava;

or

Two: give them a small egg of hardened pink plastic with heartshapes. In and off itself already an eye soring cancer growth, one could keep until easter if no beloved is available at Valentines day.
BUT!
This is actually a remnant of the past. An archaeological “treasure” of electronic vomit inducers.
A Tamagotchi!
Yes, the cutesy, electronic, beeping nerve strain, constantly shitting in its egg, needing food and attention. It’s here for all those hopeless romantics who rub on people in the subway, as a distraction from all the beeping, buzzing, chiming and other electronic insanity that takes places in their pockets…

T minus 16

Kill it with fire!Quick! Kill it with fire before it can lay eggs! Slay the beast before your soul is consumed by it’s malevolent grin!

I want to beat that smirk off the face of this creature, it’s ugliness only rivaled by JarJar Binks and the monkey from Lost in Space.
But I know why it is smirking like this: For anyone who buys it, that smirk is a constant reminder that they have wasted money on such a hiddeous thing! Seriously, this is better than a guard dog! Any burgular who breaks into your apartment stops in front of this things, crying, pooping and vomitting at the same time – law inforcement can just pick the culprit up and take him away.

If you have people you truly, TRULY hate – this is the perfect gift. Like a never ending backhand slap in the face this creature will stand in their living room constantly reminding of your newly inflamed feud.

Picture time

Champagne

Champagne

Working near the nobler parts of town has its upsides. Instead of empty beer bottles, vomit and urin, we have empty champagne bottles, vomit and urin.
A scene develops in my mind here: two lads in tuxedos stagger around the sidewalk, sipping each from their respective bottles. Instead of sports club scarves they have silken scarves! And instead of yelling at people “Who U lookin’ at, stupid fag?!” They shout “What doth thine eyes watcheth,  intelligence allergic gender confused individual?!”…

 

Batman?

Who can stop you?

“Who can stop you?” – Every time I see it, I wish for a spray can, because I have the perfect answer to that question: Batman!
😉