Posts tagged ‘wars’

Pre Christmas Terror.

In this hallowed time of Halloween, horror and terror are the good tone. 

But what I have in store for you will shock the bravest souls, terrify the most hardcore horror aficionados. It will drive insane those who are too weak, will test the strength of those with minds and functioning reason. 

I present

The advent calendar from the mirror universe. Where the dreadful, drab and dreary emojis are called emotis, and where they are considered to be funny. You know the place. Where Spock wears a goatee. Where Trump is the good president, and Obama was shitty. Where Fox is the liberal news outlet. Where the prequels were actually any good and firefly ran for a few seasons. 

Do you dare stare into this abyss, or do you fear it will stare into you?

The care,
A.

Crappy Birthday in November

Barf!

We’re in the money, come on my honey! Let’s lend it, spend it, send it rolling around!

May next month be with you!

 

In honor of next month’s release of Episode 7 let me present this desperate cash grab. Star Wars characters as HotWheels cars.

Yes, this is a real product, I took the photo myself.

In all seriousness, I’d rather get that sweet car on the right for 1,69 Euro, than the poor adaptions of Star Wars characters as HotWheels cars, with a Han Solo on the packaging that looks nothing like Han Solo in any time period. Not even a poorly adapted CGI Han looks this far off.

It baffles me why these even exist! NOTHING in Star Wars has wheels! NOTHING! Gears, yes (the Jawas), wheels? Nope. We ASSUME R2D2 is moving on wheels, but do we see them?
NOPE!

If you have a Star Wars Fan in your (extend) circle of friends, and want to piss him/her off to no extent, here you go. Give them HotWheels cars, that are supposed to be Star Wars Characters.

Crappy Birthday,
A.

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 3

Finally the last one. I can’t wait to get this over with.

1. General LeeDookoo’s attack on the capitol is in full swing months after Episode 2. Amidala is on Naboo heavy preggers. Obi Wan and Anakin are in the defense of Coruscant, the robo lizzard General Grievous (see RedLetterMedia for additional baddies like Admiral Bone-to-Pick) is completely eliminated from the story. COMPLETELY!

2. Chacnellor Palpatine is abducted by General Dookoo (Darth R.E.Lee), the two (Obi Wan & Anakin) get him back. Remember, there is NO R2D2 or 3CPO here. Good? Perfect! Obi Wan is slowly suspecting there is something going on / wrong with Anakin, as he seems less reserved like a Jedi, but more aggressive like a Sith (can we call them “Dark Jedi” again? Sith sounds like a Hobo’s soiled pants after drinking too much Wine from a carton…).
General Darth Lee is murdered in cold blood by Anakin, further deepning the doubts that Obi Wan has in his apprentice.

3. After the separatists/confederates retreat from GhettysburgCoruscant, a decisive battle that IS determining the war (just like in the civil war at Ghettysburg), we are informed that Palpatine should have signed a treaty that makes the separation from the republic legal. (So the entire abduction finally makes sense!)

4. By now Palpatine has become interested in the irritated, angry young Jedi Anakin, and further deepens the damage to his training, drawing hi deeper into the Dark Jedi territory. Sooner or later Anakin becomes evil, which causes Amidala to end their relationship, filing for divorce, without telling him of her pregnancy. This makes him even more angry. BUT WE NEVER SEE THESE TWO ON THE SCREEN TOGETHER!

5. Darth Vader! Yes, finally we’re there. Palpatine sends him to deal with General Lee’s Dookoo’s successor on Mustafar (that’s racist by the way), who is staging & manufacturing a new wave of battle droids there. While offing these and the successor (a noname, who is not a dark jedi) Obi Wan and Yoda learn of the fate of their fellow Jedi. Palpatine has ordered his agents in the command ranks of the clone to wipe the JEdi out. Since the clones are obedient, they just do what they’re told without hesitation. Obi Wand Yoda are the sole survivors.

6. There is no endfight between Obi Wan and Anakin/Vader OR Yoda versus Palpatine.  His condition is due to the noname successor to Dookoo setting off a selfdestruct on Mustafar. Palpatine rushed to his aid, while Yoda hides on Dagobah, and Obi Wan goes with Senator Organa to look for Amidala, who dies in childbirth. Now the two (Yoda is already in hiding) decide to separate the twins, Leia on Alderaan as his adoptive daughter and Luke with the Lars’s on Tatooine, where Ben Kenobi also goes into hiding.

7. Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine watch a Death Star in construction imploding under its own weight, explaining why they’re taking so long to build an operational one until Episode 4.

There could be an outro crawler explaining that the Clone armies slowly died because of the advanced aging they had to under go, and drafts were pulling able bodied men into service. If you want to keep the “special edition” original trilogy, make Coruscant look a little run down. Buildings in neglect as the materials to build the fleet and the death stars are no longer available for maintaining stupid looking buildings…oh and make them dirty. And get “old” Anakin back in Episode 6.

So. I fixed the prequels. Somewhat. It could be done better, but this is a quickly drawn up draft for the real geniuses in Hollywood to work with.
Fix the mistake George did. While we’re at it, Paramount, send the dude who thought a CGI Enterprise in Star Trek TOS would be a good idea to the same island we need to ditch George on.
Thanks.

May the force be with you!
A.

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 2

Remember the second episode? It was more of an intoxicating stinker of a cinematic turd than the shite that grounded the BA flight to Dubai back in March 2015.

Fix it.

1. After the corrected Episode 1 we follow up at Coruscant, the midair collision traffic has wound down a little, as more and more system want to seprate from the republic (remember the Civil War reference? Good. Keep that in mind!). Count Dookoo (which sounds like some took a dump “I made a Count Dookoo in my diaper!” – so rename him, Disney, please!) is presented as a baddie from the start, as he is a General (equal to General Lee in the Civil War. Keep that shit in mind, people). We are presented with the fact that the republic has little to offer against the separatists, so drafts are going to happen. Occassionally Jedi are drafted in, and eventually the council agrees to join the war effort in order to restore peace.

2. Now the Clones march in. In order to keep the economy up and running they need the people NOT in the war, so the senate votes for the formation of a clone army, we can basically keep the majority of the clone plot. BUT the senate is informed about their shady background, and thus NON clone men/women are leading the troops. (influenced, infilitrated or something by the baddies, so the obedient clones later can rebel against the Jedi)

3. Love. Anakin and Amidala had kept tabs on each other, kept in contact – they’re friends, and their romance has begun formin OF camera in etween Episode 1 and 2. Still they only reluctantly indulge in their feelings, but in essence it is AMIDALA that is making the advances, breaking Anakin’s training and turns out his passion/love (and thus inadvertently his darker side). There is NO plot to assassinate her, but high ranking political individuals are slowly transfered away from Coruscant, as an attack is feared, and instead of having ALL leaders wiped out all at once, the separatists could only damage them, but not wipe them out. The senators can holo-phone their stuff in.
Anakin is escorting her to Naboo (again, change it, or your Dookoo making kid will think of curvy furry animals eating grapes and frolicking in the sun) on a mission to prove himself to the council and Obi Wan.

4. Obi Wan and his former Master Yoda are investigating the murder of Chancellor Velorum (now Palpatine can be elected) Obi Wan follows the assassin, Jango Fett, and gets trapped on the planet where Dookoo (*sigh*) is staging and manufacturing his troops for the Battle at Ghettysburg Coruscant. Anakin and Amidala rush to the rescue, after having spent a sinful night together. (Yes. This early. Deal with it.)

5. Keep the arena scene, Dookoo and Maul are watching in horror as the Jedi and Clones march in. Chase scene, fight.
Now either Yoda is going limp due to old age or he is injured during the fight, Maul gets finally killed, LeeDookoo escapes, the droids join in their escape. Prior a discussion revealed the plans for the deathstar as previously in the old AotC.

6. Again, we meet Palpatine as Imperator (Darth PantaloonsSidious) only for a brief moment, no over indulgent conversations with a hologram that could be traced/recorder and compared. The Civil War is full on.
Episode 2 ends.

A thing about the sets. Except on ambasadorial or royal ships/locations, the sets should have a grimey, used touch to them. You know, a little dirty, a little used. Not ALL sets looking like they were built and cleaned an hour ago.

Again, fix this, for the sake of the force. DO IT!
A.

How to fix the Star Wars Prequels – Episode 1

Hey, Disney, I have a suggestion for you.

FIX THE GOD DAMN PREQUELS!

Here’s how to do it.
1. “Fixing” In the opening crawler text write “After wittnessing the Imperial propaganda piece that was the Phantom Menace, which displayed the Jedi as sodden dimwits, here’s the truth.”

2. The entire “Dispute over Taxation of Tradrouts” crap – lose it. The Trade federation (or “the French”) is full on attacking a well armed Naboo civilisation, that is capable of holding up, but will eventially lose. Two Jedi are dispatched to instigate peace negotations. The opening shot after the crawler is a ship on approach to the planet, followed by a short overview of the exchange of hostilities between Naboo and the French.

3. Ditch Qui Gon. Who is sent to do the negotiating? Yoda and Obi Wan Kenobi. Master and Apprentice. Yoda does not yet have a cane to walk with – as someone who worked in a care home for a year I can tell you, old people (and Yoda IS old) can deteriorate pretty quickly. So here he is still fit and all, and only needs a cane later when Luke is visiting him.

4. There will be no negotiations. The two land secretly on the far side of the planet to avoid having to fight through two competing armies. There they run into one of the Gungas, or what ever the underwater Cretins are called.
NO JAR JAR BINKS!
They meet, let’s say the guard we encounter in TPM, he tells them that the war has disrupted the already fragile relations with the Naboo and them, and that they will help the Jedi.

5. Yoda and Obi Wan snatch Amidala from the besieged city together with her CHief of Security (one eyed Dude), go back through the underwater level, negotiate with the Cretins that they will help if no one comes to their aid from the Republic. Then they return to their ship with Amidala and her guard. NO FRIGGIN DECOY CRAP!

6. During their escape from “Planet of the Duh!” the ship gets damaged forcing them to land on Tatooine.  They meet a young pubescent Anakin Skywalker, about 14 years old. In order to impress the “Queen”, Anakin participates in a pod race (let’s keep that stuff in, the resulting game was AWESOME!) so they get the dough necessary for continuing on. Yoda and Obi Wan agree that Anakin needs training, although he clearly is too old to start the training, he still holds great power. NO MITICHLORIANS! Stop ruining Star Wars. Okay?

7. Selling their ship and dumping the cash from the pod race on Shmi and her BF (Owen Lars?) they then book passage on another ship (sounds familiar? Good. “It’s like poetry, so it rhymes.” Right?) and return to the Senate.

8. The Senate, who sent the Jedi to start the negotiations, is in a political lock down, between pro intervention and contra intervention parties, as well as few who couldn’t decide. Reflecting reality. Amidala, with more emotion than in TPM, votes for a no confidence thing, resluting in GENERAL new elections, for the entire senate, as the Chancellor is incapable of resolving the tie in senate. (This later creates a new Chancellor election empowering Palpatine)

9. The Jedi. Obi Wan is ready-ish to be granted the title of Jedi Knight, and desires to train Anakin as his Padawan. This is granted, as long as Yoda supervises for the first months, or year. The three Jedi (Yoda, Obi Wan and Anakin) return with Amidala to Naboo (we need to rename the Planet and the people, because Naboo sounds like shit you tell your three year old when tucking them in. “The Naboo were gentle people, and always frolicked in the sun, eating grapes…”) because of above stalemate in the senate.

10. Plans? The French have never had contact with Palpatine, those messages would be recorded, and that trunk like nose of his is a dead giveaway. They only speak with Darth Maul. In person, he has a small holographic communicator on him where he talks with Palpatine.
Why are the French attacking Naboo? Let’s say they have a stash of guns lying around, or valuable materials beneath their soil. We can draw the entire plot like the US American Civil War. The Separatists (Confederates) attack Naboo (Fort Something) and start the entire thing. Okay? Okay. Darth Maul keeps directing the French, and is equal to Obi Wan in a sword fight, and manages to escape. No one dies, yet.

11. Anakin and Amidala form a tender friendship with a slight hint of romance, after the battle of the Naboo with aid from the Cretins against the Droid Army. Little or no lightsabre action during the entire movie. The French are driven off, and few key figures are imprisoned and either jailed for life or executed. War times people. The Confederacy Separatist gain traction.
Naboo is free.
Episode 1 is over.

 

Please Disney, once enough time and republican credits are abundant, do this. Don’t forget, “credits will do fine” *handwave*.

May the force be with you,
A.

Star Wars, the force awakens

Okay, just a quick post.
First off, I’m writing this only today, as I wanted to finish an Episode of Rings of Fate yesterday.

Let’s get to the trailer now. First we see a dude who is obviously startled. “Frak! Those were the droids we were looking for.” Then an upgraded Pixar-Ball rolls through the desert telling us visually that this is now Diseny territory.
Next up we are given Space-Marines Stormtroopers. A woman on a speeder thingy, that is a bit difficult to get on to if you have no ladder, speeds off.
Followed by a few X-Wings over a lake. And now my favourite comes up.
A light sabre.
With a hilt.

Everybody craps their pants about this.
Why?
It’s a fictional weapon!
No one argued with the double edged light sabre in Episode 1!? In and off itself the light sabre is impractical, the hilt doesn’t make it less impractical, or more.
“It looks like a cross!” I hear offended Christians wine, and I say, let them. Did these fuckwits ever see a sword? If you are too narrow minded to realise that the original symbol for Christianity was a fish (much like this one: “<><“) and not a cross, you deserve to be ridiculed. “It’s a cross!” “No it’sa friggin ‘t’. Or a plus sign, or a sword. Now shut up.”

It’s teaming with energy, and violent in it’s shimmer. Good. I’ve had it up to here with the sterile plastic rod shaped light sabres of the past.
Aaand we see the Millennium Falkon. In some nauseating in flight action, set to the classic tune. Mouthwatering and Nerdgasmic.

What more can you ask from a trailer?
The answer: The STARS!
Not necessarily the stars of outter space, but what happened to Luke, Leia and Han? R2D2, C3PO and Chewbakka?
They’re there, I suppose. Somewhere. Behind a dune, or on the lakeshore, on the other side of the dark forest. In the Falkon.

However. The Trailer is great, and the discussion of the lightsaber is moot. A fantasy weapon is and stays a fantasy weapon. “Normal swords didn’t have blades on the hilt!”
A.) Search around long enough, you’ll find one. I guarantee it.
B.) What in the Star Wars universe is powerful enough to deflect a lightsaber? Answer: A Lightsabre. Therefore the hilt is of the same “material” as the “blade”. There fixed it, and the reconstruction is pointless, can a lightsabre blade go THROUGH another lightsabre blade? Nope! Hence the angular hilt is as useless as boobs on a fish.
This is the way it functions, not tilted, or any other way.

There, with a little Nerdlogic I fixed that for you.

Now my fellow nerds, go forth and enjoy the time until December 2015.

May the force be with you!
A.

Addendum to the Hippies…

A well known theatre (actors on a stage) in my country is in dire need of renovations. To rake in donations they started an advertising campaign (with a rather unsettling image):

The woman in the picture (in others it’s a man) has no eyes, but skin stretched over the place where eyes should be. The slogan goes something like this: “Whether you want to see it, or not. No renovation. No theater. Let’s do something.”
Okay. Sad, but okay.

So far, so good.

Then someone took a sharpie (or edding) and wrote on the forehead of the woman on the ad the following

“So much injustice…
so many wars…so much lunacy…
whom is caring for theatre then?”

I know it isn’t supposed to say “whom” but I wanted to carry the grammatical error over from german, and this is the best I could come up with. So that would be issue number one with that graffity.

Number 2: Injustice? Wars? Lunacy? That’s business as usual you numbskull!
We need theatre (and it’s successors “Movies”, “TV”, “Gaming”, “Internet”) as a form of escapism. I’d rather live in a world with injustice, wars and lunacy that has these escapsims in it, than a world with absolute peace, equality and sense that has NO (performing) arts!

Theatre (and it’s successors) not only provide relief from the world we have to endure, but also serve as a projection of our dreams. Even IF we were to have peace, equality and sanity in the world, all of the world, we still have dreams, dreams that can’t be fulfilled.
For example: No magic, no starships (yet), so we need a projector.

We need and want drama, we need it to satisfy our basic emotional responses. We want it in order to feel empathy.
To remind us why we are doing what we are doing. In that perfect world this hippy scribbler indirectly demands, we will soon suffer from a lack of empathy, as there is no suffering, thus we become indifferent.
That’s were drama comes in.
In the world we live in right now, we need drama to remind us that there are solutions to things. To hone our empathy, and transport that empathy from the play (etc.) out into the real world.

Theatre (and so on) satisfies our need for human interaction, even if we are a social introvert, we are still hardwired to NEED it, and this is a basic need served. An introvert who can’t speak to people, still can feel (empathy wise) the entire emotionrange due to these projections.

So you god damn hippy, we need theatre (and so on), as escapism, as honing for our empathy, as distraction, as levitation, as projection. We need to dream, to hope, to aim, to reflect, to think, but also to shut down our mind and let things unfold without us interfering.
For thousands of years there was theatre as entertainment in one way or another.
Denying that it is a basic human need to entertain and be entertained, is even more crippling to society and our development,than injustice, wars and lunacy together.

With that said, here the stumbling block:

CreepyTake care, peace
A.

PS: Yes, she looks like something lifted from a creepypasta…