Posts tagged ‘witch’

Fracking Fairytales III

So, the miller has a loud mouth and brags to the king about his daughter that can make gold out of straw. King abducts the girl and locks her in a room with straw telling her to do it, or else she’s dead. Buhu, crying girl attracts IMp (Rumpelstiltskin) who offers help in return for her ring.
Second night of abduction, same story bigger room, more straw. Imp returns and wants the necklace. Deal.
Third night, even bigger room, even more straw, king says “Do it or I’ll behead you, if you get it done by dawn I’ll marry you.” – aaaaand here is where I start having REALLY big troubles with this story. In her place I would’ve cried again to make the Imp return, let the haggling begin and when he says “Give me your first born child” I would’ve said “Better deal, I’ll let YOU have my cootch, but in return, kill the king for me!”.
As we all know, that’s not what has happened in the fairytale. No. She agrees to his terms and conditions (without reading them I suppose, just like the rest of us) and she marries the king, and has a baby later on (by said king) – really? Are all women in these stories suffering from sever Stockholm Syndrome?
The courier, or hunter overhears Rumpelstiltskin chant his name and tells her, so she can keep the kid while Rumpelstiltskin tears himself in two! Gore factor, achieved. Abduction for marriage counting on Stockholm Syndrome, achieved.

You all know the story, and you all know the setting: A teenager lives alone with seven men. And she has to do the “household chores”. Guess what that includes?
But then she chokes on an apple, and supposedly dies. The prince then takes the dead girls body with him because she is soooo pretty. Possible Necrophilia! What fun times we live in, at least it isn’t Stockholme again.
She reawakens the bwitch is defeated and all is well…only the poor dwarves have now to do their “chores” themselves again.

Snow-White and Rose-Red (german: Schneeweißchen & Rosenrot):
I’m mentioning this, mostly just because of this:

That’s right a brothel is advertising with fairytale characters. Kudos!
Although I should mention here that two kids letting a bear live in their house for the winter should’Ve been eaten, even if the critter can talk. In the end the gnome who had enchanted the prince into a bear dies and the prince marries one of the girls and the other got his brother (woohoo, poor girl is the loser here, since she get’s the perpetual prince)

Fracking Fairytales II

Frederick and Catherine:
Well. This dude, let’s call him Freddy, has this wife, let’s call her Cathy. He leaves for work she fries a sausage, then thinks to get some beer, while she does that it hit her: the dog’s loose and might get the sausage. He did, while she chases the dog (our dog would’ve devoured the sausage before you knew it was gone) for the thing, the beer starts to overflow the basement, she then tries to cover it up with flour…
I won’t tell the whole story here, because it is too fucking dumb. So Freddy has this wife…did she wake up that one morning and take leave of her senses? Did she hit her head and became the dumbest broad in the world? Was Freddy abusive and beat her brain out? I don’t know. But if she didn’t show any signs of dementia BEFORE our story starts, Freddy ought to get her to a doctor. If she did, then Freddy is a dumb fracking idiot himself! Unless she performed miracles in bed I see no reason why he would put up with her, especially since he “dumps” her later on (she even forgets who she is, and asks him through the door wether she herself was at home and he says yes!).
What the actual frak??

Trusty John (or Faithful Johannes):
Soooo, the king dies and tells his trusty servant John not to let the then Prince into a certain room, for there is a portrait of abeautiful princess in it. Once the Prince became King he forces his way in and falls in love with the princess. They devise a plan to get her, and lure her aboard a ship loaded with riches, entranced by all the treasures she stays aboard long enough for them to leave port. (Note 1: They abduct her, so either the bitch suffers from severe Stockholm Syndrom or the story is heavy on the “We can abduct women and marr them even if they don’t want to” side.)
John then hears three ravens talking aboard the ship, once they make land a horse will trample the groom if not stopped, if anyone tells that tale he’ll turn to stone up to the knees. The other says something about wine during the wedding, and if it isn’t spilled the bride and groom will die. If anyone tells the tale he’ll turn to stone to the waist. (Why the ravens won’t turn to stone I don’t know) The last one says that unless three drops of blood are drawn from the right breast of the bride, she’ll faint and die. If anyone tells the tale, he’ll turn to stone completely. John prevents all three, but the King can’t forgive him harming his bride and sentences him to death. On the way to the execution John tells the tale and turns to stone.
King and now Queen (why is she consenting to this marriage??? She was lured aboard under false pretense, and then ABDUCTED!!) have twin boys, and they hear if they slaughter the kids and rub John’s statue with their blood he’ll come back to life. (Note: I would’ve said no. Remember John, put him the Garden so Birds can shit on him, bt that, NO!)
They do it.
John reawakens and as thanks for their faith the boys return to life as well (Zombies?).
WHO ever thought this is a fairytale for kids? These stories are filled with more gore than most 18+ films! Abduct a bride, force her into marriage, slaughter your kids..WHAT???
Frak off!

Hansel and Gretel:Where do I begin?
So the evil Stepmom wants to get rid of the kids when a famine hits the land and they eat to much, and the father consents. Wait. WHAT?? If that would be MY children the new Mrs. would find it hard to make such suggestions with a mouth that is sewn shut!
On with the plot: They bring the kids out in the woods, they find their way back because the boy brought white pebbles. The next time he has only breadcrumbs and birds eat them all away before they can find their way back.
Seriously. If I got lost in the woods as a kid I would’ve had enough sense to find back home. I demonstrated that in summer camp once, when our counselor got lost with us in trail and I found the way….WITHOUT THE MAP OR A COMPASS! Anyway. They find the witch, the fucking house made of candy, eat and get caught.
The witch then tries to eat Hansel later on and make Gretel her workslave. – Yeah, like that is going to happen. If you think of “slave girl” and “Candy house” do you think witch and work, or pimp and brothel? Right, me too. That brings money, and money buys food. Or if times are so desperate, food can be traded for “services”…
Anyhow, they kill the witch, find riches and a Swan carries them over some expanse of water – how does a swan carry kids? I wouldn’t trust a swan to be able to carry the weight of a newborn, let alone two kids laden with riches – and they find their dad waiting for them, again a widower as his 2nd (?) wife died of something. (Stupidity I guess)
Now they are rich and can buy as much food as they want…blablabla. So we have an asshole stepmother (as usual), a neglectant father, two kids, a dubious, canibalistic old lady and a swanboat…and as usual, riches.
Frak this shit, I hope they all eat the riches get too heavy to float and drown in the damn lake. Save some time and rewrite it: A poor woodchopper and his family face famine. The Stepmother suggests abandoning the kids in the woods to die, dad takes her out in the woods, swes her mouth shut, and leaves her tied to a tree, If you want to keep the slave girl subtheme in continue with this: with a “Free Sex” sign around her neck and signposts throughout the forest. And the man lived happily ever after with his two kids..
Fixed it.

There will be more I think I’m afraid.

Fracking Fairytales I

Some of the fairytales we tell our children I find rather offensive to the human intellect.

I can remember that I found them silly when I was a kid, and now that I am going to tell them myself to my child I can’t help but cringe internally at their stupidity.
Luckily for me I can vent my thoughts about them here.

Please note: Of course they’re going to be rather german centered, as our native language here IS german.

Mother Hulda:
So the blond haired girl that works hard gets covered in gold and comes back, the lazy dark haired one gets pitch. Sounds to me like the dark haired one was just out of luck (or talent), and the blond one was working a stripper pole, or worse working the night.
“Where’d you get that gold girl?”
“Uuuhm…I pricked my finger, fell in the well, and helped that old lady?” Then the other one, stupid as she was, tried the same shit and just found mud in the well, but no old lady, embarrassed that she was such a dumb frack she told the same story only that se had been too lazy.
A load a crap if you ask me.

Hans in Luck:
So this idiot goes out, works and earns himself a huge friggin lump of gold. If the story would end here, I’d say – aptly named.
It doesn’t end there and it isn’t.
He trades the gold for something else, and trades and trades – getting something less valuable everytime- until he ends up with a millstone. He carries it onward home, get’s thirsty and the thing falls down a well. Now, he is happy to be rid of his burden, and everyone is happy.
WHAT?!?!?! If you read the story backwards – A magic well spits out an old mill-stone and he trades until he has a huge fracking lump of gold – YES!
But in this order? He’s the village idiot, and he loses the reward for his hard work during apprentice ship! THAT ISN’T LUCK! This is idiocy, and UNLUCKY! If you ask me that story could be renamed into “Bad Luck Brian and his gold”
(Don’t get me started on the metaphores for poor people in here: “The gold IS the millstone and it IS a burden, be glad that you are soooo lucky that you don’t have that gold weighing you down!”)

First of all, the name itself is an old german word for a certain salad.
Yes, salad.
Knowing that much already, you know what you’re in for: A tale of a Vegetable. (Insult & pun intended)
So this woman wants the salad that grows in the witch’s garden, her hubby steals it, the witch knows and wants in turn the baby. She imprisons the girl in a tower without doors.
So far, so good.
Cue enter prince! The idiot climbs up the tower with her hair and doesnt cut it off, binds it on the windowsill and climbs down with her.
They flirt (yeah, “flirt” hehe…two horny teenagers alone in a tower without doors only “flirt”, especially when the gal never had seen ANY man before in her life!) then she tells him to bring a single thread of silk eachtime he visits so she can secretly weave a ladder out of it.
I’d have said yes, just like the prince did, but then I’d have gone back to my castle, told the stableboy to fetch me a strick-ladder and returned the next night with it: “Change o’plans my dear, Winter is coming and I need you to have my heirs, so come along now.”
But NOOOOO he continues with her fracking plan, until that kid with the loose mouth tells the witch “Why are you, much lighter than that young handsome prince, so much heavier to carry up?” – Jesus Hairdressing Christ!
So the witch throws her out and waits for the dude, who jumps out of the window in terror – now. It is 21 cubits high. Do the fracking math. Even an unfit blob like me could do that jump without serious harm to myself!
This guy, however, falls eyes first into thorn bushes and is blinded!
Here’s what to do: Decaptiate the crone, climb down and search for your love with two good eyes, get a hunter from the castle who could track the girl in the woods. If you’re lucky wolves haven’t gotten to her.
At least it ends somewhat well, although I had hoped they both drown in a sewage pond…

There will be more as soon as they come up, but these ones I had to get out of my system right away…